Client: I have been thinking about what I want to draw into my life. On a personal level, I would like to have a loving, intimate, respectful, committed relationship with a man. So far, I have only had one legitimate boyfriend and that was when I was a teenager. I would like to have an actual adult relationship with a man. I realize this means I need to be vulnerable and honest with my feelings. This has me feeling scared, because I am afraid of rejection. In past relationships, it was this fear of rejection that would always have me shut down with relationship hopefuls. As a result, the guy would then lose interest and I would mentally punish myself for not being smart enough, or pretty enough or interesting enough or sexy enough to keep his interest. But the more I think about it, once I would really start to like a guy, I would just get nervous and scared and I would clam up. Whatever I would say would be one word answers and I would start dumbing myself down by laughing at every little thing like an air head. The guy would then bail. I guess because the person I was when he met me (before I would start getting into my head about everything), just wasn’t there anymore. Either I would do that, or I would end up sleeping with the guy too prematurely. I would use sex as a way to I guess create intimacy that hadn’t even developed yet.
As I am going through this process, feeling more of my emotions, I really want to connect with a man. I do want to be in a relationship with a man where I can just be myself and tell him how I feel when I am feeling it. I am still scared of rejection. I am still scared to be vulnerable. But I am feeling more ready to give and receive love. When I feel scared of being vulnerable with a man, I feel it in the middle of my throat, like a knot. So far, I have started to talk to my friends on a more emotional level. After having the “this is what is going on in my life” catch up chit chat, I have started to actually talk about things that are bothering me on a deeper level. With the deaths of my grandmothers and even just going through this process of healing, I have been talking to L and my friend K about it. I realize that I need their support. I need their love. I need their compassion. When I say to them things like, “I’m scared, or I’m sad, or, I’m hurting”, they give me the compassion and love that I need; which makes me feel happy, less alone and validated. Now that I am really learning what it means to be intimate, and how that looks like, I would like to experience that with a man.
Commitment
ordered the shadow side book you recommended. It should get to me in a week or so. I am interested to learn more about the shadow side and all the dynamics it has in relationships. Right now I am feeling irritated and hurt. I feel irritated because tonight I was supposed to talk with my brother, but when I called his cell, it just went straight to voicemail. I feel hurt because I feel rejected by the fact that he is not available to talk to me on the night and time we agreed on. However, I am trying not to be judgmental towards him about it because I know that before I started talking to you, I would break my commitments to people really easily without thinking about the affect it would have on their feelings. Being on the receiving end has me realizing how hurtful it is to not be considered or committed to.
Follow through – Response
This is a good lesson in intimacy.. Commitment is a key… Commitment is not his top priority, but it is good that it is becoming yours.. Follow through and being fully engaged builds your adult and heals your child… holds the boundary to grow up and take responsibility for your life
