Client Journal: New/Old Familiar Place

As I paint today I am accessing a hatred of my parents that I have not felt for years.
I secretly wished they were dead. Killed is the word that is coming through.
‘Bloody murder you’ is what my mother would say to me when she was mad.
‘I could just kill you’…she would say when she was fed up with the whole family..
My dark side wants to protect myself.
I will escape.
Kill or be killed.
Get out.
Get away from them.
They are evil.
My child went into terror over this when I was young.
I am accessing a very ugly place that is so real to me and had permeated my being for so long.
But my nice girl and my guilt would never admit it. Never confess.
Admit my hatred for them.
I am still trying to run away from this (them).
Time to face this now.
I feel mean and angry and evil.
This is the badness I have felt for so long.
I hated…hated…hated…hated my parents.
I could scream for days at them.
Scream into the darkness. Into the abyss.

I need to be in this place right now.
I am not self destructive.
This destroyed me for most of my life.
Feeling my grief is healing my self destruction. The deep wound.
I am very sad. I am wrong to have so much hatred running through my veins.
I am wrong for being such an angry bitch.
I am wrong for making them wrong and competing with them.
I am wrong for annihilating them.
Too bad.
I am so sick of being so fucking wrong, so today I am walking around being right about being wrong!
Being right today feels justified because I am so pissed!

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