Because I needed your love and approval so much I lied and said I wasn’t molested.
Because I needed your love and approval so much I drank ipecac syrup.
Because I needed your love and approval so much I ate baby powder.
Because I needed your love and approval so much I cut myself on my hands.
I was about 14. And I was in my room and I felt so scared and alone because I felt like no one loved me.
Because I needed your love and approval so much I got into med school.
Because I needed your love and approval so much I dated a guy I didn’t like.
I was in college, about sophomore year and she said that she was disappointed that I didn’t date more black men. I felt like I wasn’t normal because it. So I went on a couple of dates with a guy I wasn’t really interested in, but he was black and in med school, the type of man my mom wanted me to end up with.
Because I needed your love and approval so much I pretended that like you, I couldn’t see in the dark.
Because I needed your love and approval so much I said I was allergic to gasoline. (My mom is allergic to the smell of gasoline)
Because I needed your love and approval so much I always agreed with you no matter what.
Because I needed your love and approval so much I hated dad.
Because I needed your love and approval so much I entered beauty pageants.
Because I needed your love and approval so much I took your side even when I didn’t agree with you.
I still feel a lot of hurt and a lot of sadness for the little girl who is starving for love that she is willing to change and hurt herself so much for her mom. It is a lot of hurt, and getting more patient and compassionate with myself for feeling so hurt and sad. I spent and spend a lot of my time and energy hurting myself, destroying myself and even trying to kill myself, just so she would love me. I feel sad that that is how I feel that is what I need/ed to do for her love. I also feel compassion for myself. Compassion for how much torture and pain I willing put myself through. It is hurtful practice, and I do it because I feel so empty and starving for her love. And not just her love, but love in general.
Love,
M
Marta: It’s a long road to learn to love yourself, but that is where is starts. But, the wounds need to be healed so you won’t want to hurt, maim or destroy yourself. The hurt and sadness might be there for awhile, but it is important to stop believing you deserve pain because your mother doesn’t love you in the way that you need it….I know this is hard… you have to build the emotional container for the pain, and keep moving the primal pain and energy through expression…in session…and to keep moving and moving the energy out…move it out through your dance as well…move it through writing. it takes time, patience and compassion for yourself…stay with it
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