Maybe this was all supposed to happen this way. They say everything happens for a reason. I have given all I have to give and yet, it still isn’t enough. I am not the victim here, even though it feels that way. The choices I have made in my life have led me here. I was never meant to be happy and have a happy life. Some people seem to be put on this planet to suffer. I have suffered since I was a young child. I thought my life had taken a turn for the better when I met J. I finally found someone who loved me for who I am. Time has proven that that isn’t true. There are conditions to that love, there are conditions to most love in this world. I have not lived up to his expectations and now I am alone once again to face the issues at hand. My failure as a mother is staring me in the face. My futile attempts to escape my mother’s mental illness have come back to hit me in the face in a way that I can’t ignore; my son. I can’t ignore my son’s mental illness because of my emotional bond to him, my love for him. I feel sad, I feel pity, I feel alone, I feel angry, I have all of these emotions coursing through my body, a pain that I can’t describe, yet a numbness on the surface to keep the pain at bay, tolerable. My life has not turned out the way I would have wanted it to. I am basically ignorant and can’t see things for what they really are. I have allowed people to use me, manipulate me, and mistreat me. Yet, somehow, I keep moving forward looking for the good in all situations.

What happened here today is just proof that I am alone in this world, that I can’t live up to the expectations. I can’t do this anymore. I am alone, so I might as well start accepting my fate. Aloneness. One of the lessons that will be so hard for me to learn and accept. My ill fated, irrelevant life!

My husband is hung up on my buying cigarettes for my son because he “told me not to”, I have told him 10,000 times that D quitting smoking is not my priority at this time. I have tried to get him to understand the seriousness of D’s illness, but he won’t. He won’t open his heart and mind to what is really happening here. He has stated that he believes that D is just manipulating me. Maybe he is. But when I shared what the doctor told me earlier, he was stone cold. No emotion, none – not for D, none for me. Stone cold. I have never felt so hurt, alone and abandoned as I do right now. The hurt is something that I can’t deal with. I have chosen J over all so many times. I have made his happiness my first priority. I have put him first in my life. I love him so much but he just doesn’t want to accept D. He never has. Every time he rejects D, he is rejecting a part of me. So here I am, alone, alone just like I always have been.

I want to believe that this will all work itself out. That something good will come of this. But I just can’t see it. I am weeping, feeling all of this sadness, this overwhelming sadness. This loneliness. My unwillingness to need, to reach out has finally given me the result that was inevitable, being alone with no support.

My family is gone, I have nothing left. God has given me this lesson, this burden. Is this my curse, loneliness? Is this what is meant to be, me alone with no support? This is what I have created. I need to accept what I have created. I need to decide how I will move forward. How will I live my remaining years, alone?

This is not what I want truly. I just want to be loved and cared for. I have no where to turn right now but to my faith in what will be.

Somehow, God will provide me with the lessons I need to learn so I can complete my mission here on Earth. To complete what I came here to do. I hope that before my last day, I will know what it is that I have given to this world. Because right now, I feel like I have been irrelevant in the scheme of things. Not a good mother, not a good daughter, nothing, nothing at all. My Victim cries out now for her time. She needs to be heard. She is tired of swallowing everything down and hoping things will get better.