Client Journal: Am I Honoring Myself? Parts 1 and 2

Am I Honoring Myself? : Part 1
For my whole life, it’s been a struggle to get what I want. I have also seen that play out in my family’s lives. Everyone wants to do or be and they all have ended up miserable. Also, when I was young, my parents treated me in a way that told me that I don’t matter. My mom would buy expensive things for herself when I needed new things. I would do without and she had what she needed. That made me feel like I was not important. This feeling of not deserving carries in all aspects of my life. I started asking myself the questions, “Am I honoring myself? Am I loving myself?” as a way to start becoming more aware of when I am not honoring myself, so I can give myself the chance to make another choice. So I can begin to honor and love myself more. One example is, yesterday I got a text message from my friend K, saying “Hi, how are you” and then getting into her paranoia as to why she thinks she might have AIDS. I was about to indulge her — which usually leads to me saying, “no you don’t have AIDS, I promise…” and then goes on to me taking care of her problems and acting like I don’t have any — then I stopped myself and asked, “Am I honoring myself by doing this?” No. I am not. I texted her back, asking her to let me know what her schedule is like in the next week or so, and saying that I would like to get together with her to talk about some things that I am discovering as I am working on myself. She said sure and asked if everything is ok. I told her that I am becoming aware of how I relate to her in our friendship and how it isn’t always in the healthiest way, and I would like to talk to her about more in person or on the phone, but not through text. She said she would check her schedule and get back to me. It feels good to to take a step, even if it’s a small one, to learning how to love and honor myself more.

Am I honoring Myself? : Part 2
All week I have been asking myself, “Am I honoring myself? Am I loving myself?” It is making me aware of even the little things. Like how I walk for example, head almost down, eyes not really focused on anything, posture a little slouched. Yesterday I caught myself and asked, “Am I honoring myself by walking this way?” No. I am not. I don’t feel confident or beautiful. Instead, I feel a little anxious. I changed my walk to a walk I practice in stiletto heels class. I felt better, more confident, and less anxious.

A couple days ago was Valentine’s Day. I asked myself the same question, “Am I honoring myself”. I thought about the guys I dated within the past year and a half. Yes, I liked a couple more than others, but there isn’t a guy that stands out that makes me say, “Man, I’m upset that didn’t work out, he had everything I’m looking for!” But I can’t put it all on them, so I started thinking about how I feel about myself. Yes, I like myself. But I don’t really love myself, and I don’t really honor myself. The guys I have dated pretty much mirrored that back to me. So no, I am not honoring myself by dating right now. I feel like I need to focus on building up my self-confidence and my self-love.

When I started dating, it was to just “get in the game” and start interacting with men. But now I feel like that’s not working for me anymore, because I want more now from a man. I want a man who sees me and loves it. But I need to do that for myself. I think part of it too is that I’ve been looking for a man to love me first, if that makes sense. I thought I could be the exception to the rule. I’m not. I need to love me first, I can’t wait or depend on anyone else to do it for me. I decided to take a break from dating. I want to focus on loving myself

Marta: Intention: Today I will honor myself by watching how I express or hold back on my true feelings and needs. I will have compassion for my fear of losing others as I stand for my self-respect and equality in relationship with others. I will also learn to listen better to myself and others and create boundaries between who I am and who the other is. I will also acknowledge my need for love, without manipulation, but with vulnerability. It is safe to love when each person honors their own feelings and needs. Sometimes, when opening to love, it can hurt the heart. That is because at first when we begin to heal and soften, all of our wounded self emerges to be felt. If we can stand in hold our feelings with compassion and not jump out of our bodies to go numb into addictive behaviors, we then can begin to build a strength that is vulnerable.

Resource: New Patterns of Codependency

Co-Dependent behaviors, thoughts and feelings are the way we hold to our lies and protect ourselves. It is part of addiction and is the way we stay numb, blocking out wounds and trauma. I will be doing a series on Co-Dependency, Addiction and Trauma.

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