Being numb is the only safe place to be.
I cannot be hurt there.
I can hide in that numbness.
I don’t dare think about how bad I am and why I got the beating.
Being numb is the only safe place to be.
He brought me chocolate and a toy after he beat me.
He cried and asked me to forgive him.
I was so scared I said yes.
I found out later that his mom yelled at him for beating a nine year old.
Being numb is the only safe place to be.
I realize now that he hated his mother.
He hated my mother.
He hated me when I did not do as I was told.
I think I have to stay invisible now as
Being numb is the only safe place to be.
I am waking up now from the deep freeze and I feel so sad.
I am so mad at a grown man beating a young girl.
I want to protect that child from being hurt.
I felt safest being numb and now that freeze is starting to thaw.
I abandoned myself when I was nine.
My mother abandoned me too.
I disconnected. I felt lost.
I always blamed myself. I thought it was my fault.
The freeze is melting and I see puddles in my life.
My tears are streaming down my face.
I am making those puddles.
My child self wants to be bathed in those puddles.
When her wounds are clean she wants to splash and play.
And be lovingly dried by me her true mother.
The mother who will protect her.
I feel safe protecting my little girl self and she now feels safe with me.
it made me cry……again.