Client Journal: Anger at the Feminine

So I started thinking about session and I began reading the anger chapter again in the shadow side…

I realize sometimes when I first come into a session I have a hard time expressing what I want to work i decided to try and center myself and come in a bit.

I try to people please and by doing this I suppress my own feelings..

While just having a conversation with my mother or sister I start to feel enraged..disgusted and suffocated. As this feeling grows stronger, I am yessing them to death and letting them vent whatever it is they are saying while all along the anger is building inside.

I am not sure where the core of this anger stems and where to even begin with it….I am trying to pinpoint something very specific. All I can come up my mothers mental illness..her constant need for attention…her lies…her anger…all that she lays on me…I feel emotionally drained every-time I see her ..I dread spending time with her and I feel angry around her…she constantly sucks off of me….I reject her a lot and then feel angry because this guilt comes up and I get stuck and shut down.

I constantly let her get away with her behavior…because the alternative feels even worse, when I do express myself , my anger feels like it is hitting a brick wall and bouncing back at me…my anger gets rejected which angers me more…I only feel better when I lash out at her in a childish way because i finally feel heard.

I experience that same feeling with C constantly but on a different level..I feel she is always rejecting my feelings and I am always judging and “parenting” her…getting angry because I cant change her or control her…I hate to admit that, but when I am honest with myself I realize I try to control her out of some type of fear. I never trust her. I also try to please her and I am constantly doing things for her even at the expense of my own needs. I then blame her and get angry.

I am constantly rejected by her when I try to express that my needs arent being met and she somehow manipulates and denies that what I have expressed is even valid again a wall I hit. So now I am finally trying to take some responsibility that I am rejecting myself and no one else is responsible for this but me…I cant go on with this cycle with C, it doesn’t feel good any more…and my needs are never going to be met…

I wish I knew what that pull was to her…I guess its just the pattern energy..
I come at her with intensity and try to connect but it is all to deep and overwhelming for her and then I feel rejected so I then try to control her. She begins pushing me away and I cling even harder…rejected and needy, until finally I get sick of feeling so rejected so I get angry and take my power back, I then turn around and push her away, only for her to come back chasing me…a cycle that never seems to move forward…the longer it goes on the more resentments and crap that piles up.

I get so angry that I can’t change her..its ridiculous. She will do something that I perceive as rejection because i am trying to connect with her while she is trying to escape…I then start feeling angry and begin to judge her…only to realize I am escaping myself by trying to fix her.

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