The past week I have been working on a scene (for acting) that mirrors my love life. In this particular scene, my character hooks up with a guy she ‘s interested in. The morning after, she’s searching for some reassurance that it meant something, that it means it’s the start of a relationship, but the guy is way too interested in getting high. In the scene he basically ignores her and my character feels extremely uncomfortable and awkward.
Rehearsing this scene over and over and over again is making me think about how I have been in that situation. Over and over again. I think about how I feel when I rehearse/perform this scene. I feel worthless, anxious and like a victim. And coincidentally, that is how my character acts. In real life, when I do this, sleep with a guy too soon, it brings up my self worth issues, my father issues and I feel like shit and then the cycle starts where I act all cold and tough to cover up how hurt I am feeling. I don’t want to be this way anymore! When I do this scene everything in my body feels tight and I don’t feel safe. Doing this scene made me realize and feel that sleeping with a guy too soon is also a safety issue for me. Because I don’t know where the other guy stands, if there is a genuine connection or not.
I mentioned in a couple emails about a guy I have been on a couple dates with. For the past month or so, he has been out of town working a lot (he’s a musician). While he has been out of town, he has been keeping in touch with me either calling, emailing or texting me a few times a week; which I like, it’s part of the reason why I am still interested. He comes back next week and it is likely we will go out on a date. The temptation to sleep with him is there. Definitely, But when I really think about it, feel it in my body, I feel anxious and I tighten up. I’m not ready. I don’t know him well enough yet. The emotional connection isn’t solid enough for me yet. I think this is the first time in my life where I am focused on building an emotional connection with a man versus trying to get some “Look! He’s my boyfriend! See! I did it!” result.
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