Client Journal: Broken Mirrors

After our first session yesterday, I am feeling a mixture of sadness and anxiety, yet at the same time my body feels light in the chest area. I noticed that I am feeling more connected and grounded to my body. The tendency to fly off into my head space is still there, but I find myself taking a couple of deep breaths to bring myself back. I started working on the free association assignment, once I get started I find myself unable to stop. I’m fighting all my urges to analyze it myself, because I think that will put me right back inside my head.

Broken Mirrors

Staring at truth laid in fragments
a wholeness I believed in for so long
in a shard I see her eye
green glaring unforgiving judging
misplaced knowing
she lays the path for all my mistakes and weaknesses

“Papers plastered with A’s sprinkle refrigerator
green colored paper that floats into my life like leaves
followed by coveted hard earned title MD (not to be indicative of the real M.D. … me)
long flowing hair that compliments a certain ring on a certain finger
belonging to a strong black man of high pedigree….”
That is her prescription… her
“map of success” for me

Instead I have
tears that dare not fall
mouth that shall not speak too loud
except in saccharine agreement

I have definitive statements that tell me who is wrong (my father)
but not clear explanations as to how, why and …. when
I have critiques that erase cookie jar memories like,
“Go brush your nasty butter teeth!”
“Why does your skin look like that?”
and lets not forget
“Dreams don’t always come true.”

I am
spun from stuff of when the condom breaks
Love child or loved mistake?
ABC’s and steely strength I learned from thee
Everything, except how to release myself freely
I walk with myself at a trepid pace
to open up everything I have put
in my analogous safe

My teeth shatter. My bones quake
Her green eye narrows to a seething slit
my hand trembles turning the dial
for even I don’t know exactly
what I have stored in here…
Except, I know it is everything dear
that on should not ever with part
Like. Peace of mind and
my beating heart.

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