Client Journal: Fear of Intimacy -Using Creativity to Escape

Client: I am afraid of intimacy. I am. It hurts to admit that. It’s scary to admit that. I feel scared. Because I don’t know what exactly that means for me to admit I am afraid of intimacy. But pretty much when I get close to someone, that is generally when I pull away or shutdown. I want to say that I pull away because I am scared to have people get to know the real me…but that feels like a surface answer/reason. There was a time period when I was little that my mom made me play by myself and didn’t let me see any of my friends for a good month or month and a half. She never at the time gave a reason why. She just wouldn’t let me see anyone. And she told me to tell my friends that I couldn’t see them without giving them a reason beyond, “because my mom said so.” This forced period of isolation happened at around the times of the molestations. (I never thought about that incident until now) I remember feeling so alone and invisible and hurt. It was until I was a preteen she told me that she did that so I wouldn’t end up depending on other people for my happiness. Which makes sense, but given what was going on, it just made it easier for me to be withdrawn and cold. I wasn’t happy at all during that time period, and I think that was when I started to become mistrustful of people in general.

Response: admitting to your fear is the beginning…recalling the moments you made the choice out of fear to protect yourself against intimacy is where we begin. You have a journey ahead, and you are delving into these fearful memories…I am sad for your pain…and up until this moment you have protected yourself from the pain of your childhood by being cold and withdrawn… there is no shame or judgment in your fear…it is real…please write down all these memories, like the one below we need to take them one by one to heal your fear…the fear doesn’t go away but it lessens and lessens, but together we will find the way to make the courageous choices to move forward through the fear.

I am glad you are exploring the disappearing act…withhold…invisible, not showing up act. It is good that you like going in and doing your art…but it is different when you disappear and don’t follow through in relationships. Don’t use your creativity to escape from the pain of relationships…you want intimacy and you want your career and your purpose…and part of your purpose is to heal and love and be in love…give and receive love…so stay open and lets keep working on your relationship fear…and the underlying wounds.

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