Last night I just stayed up writing all night about my thoughts and my feelings that have been running through me over the past few days.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”

-Jim Morrison

This quote hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to say something about it but I said my other thought first.

I have suppressed my pain so much and have been ashamed about it. I was taught that it was the right thing to do. My pain has been made into something bad or made fun of or disregarded as something trivial in my family. I built up so much rage against my family for it, and then rage towards myself for continuing the practice. I have to defend and fight for my right to feel my pain to express it, to have it received by myself, my family and people who have been in my life in the past. The only time I could really express my pain was when I would draw or paint something. That was the only time my pain would not be ridiculed or dismissed.

I want to come to a place where I can feel my pain for myself. I want to hold it up high and let it guide me. Let it help me learn and listen. My pain is deep and profound and it’s great. It always has been. That’s why it has always pushed me to constantly create when I was younger.

The great thing about doing The Telling is that I had a moment where i could hold my pain up and show it to others and have it received. It was a very proud moment for me. When my mother told me that a family friend or relative told her about it and criticized me for it, it made me angry at first because I felt like, “Here I go having to fight and defend my pain again,” but I validated my pain for myself. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. I know what I went through and I know how it has and still affects me. If I let that comment take over it would destroy me. I can’t go back to that. I love that quote.