Marta: Do you see any of your patterning in your parents’ victim/victimizer? How did you feel when your mother was venting?
Client: I see all of my patterning in them. I am definitely my parents’ daughter. I disappear from people I care about, like my father, when I feel overwhelmed by something. I don’t think I pick fights like he does, but I do a lot of mental yelling at people over small/stupid things that usually ends up not being the real reason for why I feel so angry.
I shut down and just go mute like my mother, and I try to blame and rationalize my behavior and feelings before taking ownership. When someone asks me a question that brings up a lot of emotions for me, I change the subject and/or give vague or short answers.
I am finally accepting that I act like they do. I was too in my “fuck you” to be honest with myself and own up to my behavior. I am cold like my mom and dad and I have my own addiction (I still haven’t eaten any but I definitely still have the cravings) to baby powder that I used to eat when I really just wanted to escape myself and escape from feeling and even from being responsible. For example, a couple years ago when I was fired from my job, there was a solid 3 weeks where instead of look for another job or talk to anyone, all I did was eat baby powder and sleep.
When my mom was venting I felt angry and frustrated. Not necessarily angry at what she was saying, but because when I was trying to connect with her and find out more about the situation she is going through and how it affects her, she kept shutting me out! But I realize I can’t judge her for it, because I do the same damn thing. It was just eye opening for me to really start being aware of my behavior and have it mirrored back to me.
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