Client Journal: Judgment Part 2

Client M: Yesterday’s session had me realize how judgmental and jealous I am. Not just of my sister and my brother, but of people in general. I used to like “people watching” and I would sit in a park or someplace like that and I would look at people as they walked by and make assumptions about them. But these assumptions were often negative ones. A confident looking lady with nice clothes was always a bitch, and couple was always on the verge of a break up. And then I would feel all high and mighty while being in my judgment.

I was being a jerk and victimizing people I was jealous of. I’m jealous of the confident lady with the nice clothes because she has the confidence and means to wear whatever she wants to wear. I’m jealous of the couple because they are in a relationship and I haven’t been in one in 11 or so years. My judgment is a cover for how jealous and insecure I feel.

Marta: Jealousy means you believe you can’t have what you want. Why do you believe this? Who creates your reality and life?

Client M: I think I believe that I won’t be in a romantic relationship because I still have feelings of unworthiness. I think that these feelings of unworthiness also create my jealousy of confident women. I don’t know why I believe these things about myself. But my feelings of unworthiness create a self fulfilling prophecy.

In romantic relationships during the phase when everything is going well, I don’t stay present in the happy moment. I keep thinking about all the ways it is going to go wrong. I think that the guy really isn’t all that into me. Then I get scared to be vulnerable, I get scared to be myself. So I shut down by being cold or ditzy and sure enough, it ends. And then I feel like shit because it is some hurtful form of proof that no one will love me, and I do it to myself! So in that sense, I create that reality. It’s a hurtful reality that has me feeling very sad. I don’t want to believe that I won’t find “the one”, but I don’t believe I will right now.

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