Client Journal: Mother Pain

Marta: The mother pain is deep for you. Are you becoming aware of much it rules your self esteem and expression? It is important to witness your thoughts, feelings and beliefs around this wound.

Client: I see what you mean. I wasn’t aware that I don’t trust her. Because I don’t trust her, its hard for me to express myself with her because I don’t feel safe. I think that is part of why I get into that whole spilling and then withdrawing cycle with her. I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust her enough to express myself with her, and I can’t wait for that day. It might never come! My self worth and identity are so wrapped up in how she treats me and if she accepts me. You are right, there is so much pain and anger and hurt there. And right now, just admitting it and feeling it helps me feel validated. Self validation is important to me right now, I guess because it is not something I practice. But I do feel more present when I do it. I want to be able to express myself with my mom and not put so much of my self esteem in what she says or thinks about me. I’m not sure what will get me to that point, but I do think validating myself is a good start, it breaks me out of that good girl mode and allows me to see and feel what is true for me when it comes to her. I think maybe as I feel stronger with my own identity, it will be easier to express to her, instead of just dump on her. I don’t know if I’ll always want her love and attention, but I would like to get the place where I feel strong enough, and validated enough in myself to ask for it and to not let it define me as unworthy if I don’t get what I need from her.

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