Processing so deeply.
Can’t stop sobbing and it is making my head ache terribly, The pain in my throat is agony.
All my feelings are up around having to take care of myself because no one else will.
I am so tired.
I give up.
I can’t live like this anymore.
No I am not suicidal. I do not have the guts for that and I do not want to leave you or my animals.
This is so hard.
The memory this brings up for me with having no money is when we were very little my mom spent all of the food money on grass seed for the yard and we had to eat corn flakes for almost a week before my dad got paid. he was so angry with her but she was defiant. She never seemed to care about my needs. She also got our family into a lot of debt with credit cards and my dad was always upset about it. She wanted nice things and couldn’t wait for them.
I am seeing I stopped trusting God a long time ago.
My painting Home Alone has been sitting for a week…..the lonely girl.
So yesterday I sat in front of it and had it speak to me.
What are you saying to me.
Please share with me deeply.
I WANT TO BE LOVED.
I AM SCARED AND FEEL ALONE.
WHY DO YOU IGNORE ME?
AM I INVISIBLE?
DO YOU KNOW I AM THERE WHEN YOU FEEL PAIN IN YOUR BODY?
PLEASE GIVE ME ATTENTION.
FINISH THE PAINTING OF ME.
I WANT TO BE VISIBLE.
VISIBLE IN YOUR LIFE.
VISIBLE TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I LOVE YOU.
I MISS YOU.
Then I painted and I hated it. I was disgusted. I judged it.
Today I feel closer to it. I even kind of like it.
I feel fear though as I do not know what to do with it next.
Initiation
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