Client Journal: Rejecting my Sadness

So I was distracted for awhile analyzing everything that was wrong with C in avoidance of my truth.

I was picking her apart…hating her…and then I had a revelation…not just a brainy one but a deep one.

I realized that she makes me feel my own rejection…it is so hard to explain but I somehow felt that all the anger that kept coming up for me with her was that she constantly rejects her own sadness and I was judging that so harshly only to realize that, that is what I have been doing this whole time.

I hate her fake smile and the way she numbs out her makes feel the deepest parts of my anger. Now I fully realize that I have been doing the same thing just in a different way…the mirror effect.

I am now working on stabilizing, grounding and action…

I would soon like to begin therapy again but I decided I would benefit most when I was feeling more grounded..which is a bit of an oxymoron but makes perfect sense to me.

The more time I spend away from therapy..the more I realize how much I learned from it and benefited from it.

I was sick of being lonely and sad. I could no longer stand in the fire ..I guess I kind of gave up ..took a breather..I was sick of my depression..being so serious and beating myself up.. I needed an escape and somehow gave myself permission to go numb for a bit because the pain and self hatred got so great for me.

Now I realize that I love the deeper sad part of me…and I dont like how it feels to reject her… is painful. The sad part of myself is actually the more beautiful part…at least from what I have discovered thus far. She is the more real part.

Anyway…I don’t know if you minded that I checked in with you…but I just wanted to
say thanks…again….for teaching me so much…

I look forward to learning more about accepting all the parts of myself that I reject.

Here’s a poem:

My wounded heart warrior wants to be left alone in her weeping darkness.
I hit her with my judgment stick.
An invasion…a rape as I spit on all who she longs to be. Poking and prying…poking and prying

I am the Queen! And you are shit!
I stand before my warped-twisting mirror, dangling and clawing up the rejection of my own sadness. Stepping close to my hope
One foot in front the other dragging bloody perseverance

I Lunge towards my very own existence, flying through freedom kisses
landing with the running wolves

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