Client Journal: The Shadow of the Goddess/Dialogue with the Child

Client: I had another dream about Kali. Except this time, I didn’t actually see her, I was standing in her shadow. It was nighttime, I was in a dark room, but there was an open doorway behind me and light was coming in through it. It was because of this light source I was able to see her shadow, which was bigger and taller that me. One of her arms was raising a sword and swinging it around. I felt scared, nervous and exposed. The past couple of days I have been feeling scared and nervous. Nervous because I am starting to feel vulnerable, which at the moment has me feeling paranoid. I feel like everyone can see my ugliness. I was telling L this the other day, and she brought up a good point. She mentioned how up until recently, I have been walking around in gross sweatpants and baggy t-shirts without my face and hair done up. So I have been showing my ugliness, but I was dressing that way and using that tough girl, tomboy look as a mask to keep from showing how scared I feel. I have started to drop that particular mask, but I still want to show I scared I feel.

It was a hard dialogue for me to have. Admitting that words don’t mean anything to me was something that I tried to hide from myself for such a long time. To allow the little girl to really admit that is liberating and makes me feel happy. But at the same time, I also feel sad because I am allowing myself to receive what she is saying, that people’s words don’t mean anything because she has been so disappointed and hurt in the past. Feeling her disappointment, feeling her hurt makes me feel sad. She does trust me more, because I allowed her to express herself without telling her to be quiet or calm down.

When I think about people who love me and that I can trust, I think about L and K. I tried to pull it in, like you said, and I do feel happy, and it lands in my belly. But it’s weird, right before I feel the full warmth of the happiness, I start to resist, and it lands in my chest. I feel like I am scared that if I feel the happiness all the way, something will happen that will take that happiness away. Then I feel scared and start to resist. And that’s when I feel it tight in my chest.

Me: What’s wrong sweetie?

Little Me: I am mad at my mom. I don’t like her. I hate her!

Me: Why?

Little Me: She always breaks her promises to me. She never takes me to the places where she says she is.

Me: Can you give me an example?

Little Me: She would always say that she would take me to the park to play. If I was a good girl, she would take me. So I cleaned my room and made my bed like I was supposed to. But when it was time to go to the park, she yelled at me and said she wasn’t going to take me!

Me: How did you feel when she yelled at you?

Little Me: I was confused, because I didn’t think I did anything wrong, I was sad because I really wanted to go to the park. I like the park. I was mad because she wasn’t being fair and I felt like she lied to me.

Me: I am sorry she hurt you, and I am sorry she yelled at you. I can understand why you felt confused and hurt. You did everything she asked and she was still mean to you.

Little Me: Yeah! She would promise me things, places to go, toys I would get for a good report card, and I wouldn’t get them. Or if she would give them to me, she would look so upset, it wasn’t fun for me. Because if she wasn’t having fun, then I couldn’t have fun.

Me: Hearing you say that makes me feel sad for you. Because it sounds like she wasn’t someone you could trust, if she was always breaking promises or getting angry at you, or making you feel upset if she delivered her promise with an attitude.

Little Me: She really hurt me. I feel like I’m not good enough for her. After a while, I figured that words didn’t mean anything. That it was all lies.

Me: You ARE good enough. Your mom is an unhappy woman, and she took it out on you. You are right. It isn’t fair. It is mean. And it is hurtful. It is ok to feel hurt. It is ok to feel sad. And it is especially ok for you to feel angry. She shouldn’t have done that to you,

Me: It is not your fault.

Little Me: I don’t believe you.

Me: Why not sweetie?

Little Me: Because. Words don’t really mean anything to me anymore because of her. I want to believe you. But I can’t.

Me: I feel sad and hurt to hear you say that, but I understand. Her behavior taught you that words don’t mean anything. But I will help you trust that there are some people in this world who really do mean what they say.

Little Me: Please help me. I don’t want to feel this anymore. I feel angry and sad.

Me: I know. I feel angry and sad too. I will help you. We will help each other.

Response: Standing in Kali’s shadow is a powerful rite of passage into the dark Divine feminine. In your home, I suggest you dance her dance…bring her into your body. Facing our shadow is fearful, but what we will find is the love and compassion for all the wounds we have been afraid to express…

This is an exciting dialogue. This is about receiving..  Think of someone who loves you and you can trust. Bring them in, pull them in like you are drinking water. Allow it to fall into your body. Do you fight the feeling? Resist the love?

Feeling afraid is a natural and human. It is hold in your edges and boundaries and expressing, asking for support. This need to express is your medicine. Asking to be nurtured, being tough and boy-like makes you more afraid because you are not in your natural skin, or soul. Be soft with your fear. Hold it like a baby. What would a newborn want?

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