Client Journal: The Woman is Cleaning Up the Mess

My little girl is tired of feeling unimportant. She is tired of being in the shadow of her parent’s selfishness, her parents abandonment.
This little child is screaming from the cage of my innermost wound.
The Woman who lives inside me has woken up from her coma.
She is getting ready to take control and take care of the screaming child.
She wakes up to the battlefield and the destruction that the wounded child has created and has had to endure.

The Woman is getting ready to clean up the mess. The Woman is becoming a nurturing mother to this child.
Her strength and her power sprouts from her body like the many arms of Durga. And like Durga, she is getting ready for battle.
The Woman that is in me is ready to fight for her life and the life of the child.
To prepare for this battle she gets her weapons ready. She fights with awareness, compassion, patience, truth and passion.
She walks through the battle grounds up against fantasy, addiction, fear, and self-defeat,
She looks them in the eye, she faces them head on.
She understands them and she heals them.
She conquers the with her secret weapon.

I’m sad about my father not being able to love me the way I have wanted him to. I don’t know exactly what I want from him. Will I only love him if he loves me back? Is that my wound speaking or is it how I feel outside of my wound? It’s got to be deeper than the conditions. After so many years of hating him and numbing out to my pain about him, where do I go with this? It’s funny…my sister asked me the other night if I loved my father and I was like, “Love is a strong word”. When it comes to my mother I know i love her. I love her just as much as I am hurt by her but there is no doubt that I love my mother. I have to explore what I really feel about and want from him. Yes, I want to be loved by him, but where that comes from or what that means is not clear to me yet. I have some digging to do.

I’m feeling sadness about so much and it makes me so happy at the same time. It has awakened me to take care of myself. I have been wanting to meet someone and put certain things I’ve learned into practice, but there was this other part of me that wanted to be loved by someone else. I still want romantic love, but I think what came from yesterday and today’s session is that I don’t want the love of a man right now. I want love from myself. My child has been screaming out for that love and I hear her. I want to find her and I want to sit with her and give it to her. I want to hold her and console her. I am realizing that no one can do that but me. I am the one who has to do that for her. It’s like when my nephew calls for him mom and only his mothers touch/hugs/kiss can console him. I am the mother and I am the child. I can only hold me and make it better for me. I get it now. I get all the things that you have been telling me. The love I seek out is my own.

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