Client Journal: Unmothered/Mothering

Marta: If we mother our mothers, we will have our children mother us. We will use our children instead to fill our voids instead of taking care of them. We need to find the mothers inside of ourselves to mother ourselves. It is not a child’s job to take care of a parent’s wound. You can feel compassion, or any feeling for your mother and express it, but do not minimize your feelings and make yourself unimportant.

Client: I do try to mother my mom. That pattern would also leak out in my friendships, with me dropping everything and changing my plans to accommodate their needs all the time. This leads to me feeling resentful of them, because after I would change/cancel my plans for them they would feel happy and able to accomplish whatever they wanted to accomplish. I don’t really do that now. I try to make sure I have time for myself to do the things I need to do, and time with my friends. Thinking about that pattern is making me aware that I have a lot of resentment towards my mom for choosing to take care of her over myself. It feels like a fiery ball in the center of my chest. I just feel so angry!! Because I want it to be my turn! My turn! My turn to look after myself, my turn to care about myself, my turn to love myself, my turn to get to know and feel myself, IT’S MY TURN!!! Fuck her!

Marta: Hit the pillows and scream that out. You don’t have to fight to get your turn. Your mother does not hold the power of whether you love yourself or take care of yourself. It is important to move through all the resentment and anger. These feelings are what you don’t want to let your mother know about you: How hurt, angry and sad you are. You don’t want to talk about your feelings because you ignore them and she ignores them. So again, when you don’t tell her the truth, you are taking care of her and making your needs second. This is an important pattern you are getting. Stripping this pattern and moving toward the place where you can find wholeness from this fragmentation of not having the mother, mother you. To reach this place takes a grieving process and renewal of yourself and the child within.

Client: After I finished writing you, I screamed. A lot. It felt good to let it out, to not hold it in, but you are right, I do need to strengthen the place inside myself so I can get to place and feel myself enough to tell her about my anger and resentment. It does make feel happy to admit that I’m angry, to admit that I resent her, to admit that I hate her, and admit that I try really hard to impress her. To admit that I am starving for her love and approval. This is extremely hard, realizing how enmeshed I am with my mom. Sometimes I start to freak out, trying to find where she ends, and where I begin. But I think that’s its a fear thing, a victim thing. It is giving me a lot of validation to acknowledge these parts of myself. It has me feeling more grounded and more even.

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