Client Journal: Victim Child

Client: Lately I have been in my victim big time…Everyday for the past couple of days I feel like life is taking a shit on me. I have some things going on with my family that are making me really sad and I was in a very hopeless place for awhile…I wanted to ask you a question…I feel like I have been with and in my victim…I have not been pushing her away…I have been talking to her…I’m trying to listen to her more often and figure out what she wants. I am giving room to be sad. Right now she feel like the world is unfair and she is urt by that. Every day I let her cry. Even if it’s at work. I take a minute to let her cry.

I know I need to embrace my unhappiness but how do I go from there, b/c I know for sure I’m not trying to escape my sadness…I feel like I’m fully immersed in sadness and feeling sorry for myself.

In regards to the book, *(Shadow Side of Intimate Relationships by Doug and Naomi Moseley

Chapter 1
Pg 5
They give the example of the a woman who wants to be in a relationship but who doesn’t acknowledge the part of her who doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I see myself in this woman. I have neglected that part of me and it has resulted in me being alone.

Chapter 2
pg 14 – 15
They talk about people who refuse to acknowledge their darker parts and how they cannot live up to their full potential and will not be able to function well in a relationship.  They also talk about the fear in showing one’s shadow side.  I know I am not living up to my full potential and I also don’t want to acknowledge  my darker parts….There are parts of myself that hurt me to look at. I hate the parts of me that are abusive, that are willing to take abuse, that are crazy, mean, obsessive, & untrustworthy. Especially the things I have done in my past. I am afraid of getting into an intimate relationship and having my partner see these sides of me. I’m afraid of that person being disgusted by me and they won’t love me anymore…I want my partner to only see me as sweet loving, happy, positive, fun, loving, worthy of love, funny and smart…I want them to think that they do not deserve me….in order to have that I have to play up those sides of me and ignore the other.

pg 18
They describe a relationship with the good girl….That is soooo me w/my first boyfriend (I was 19) I was critical and mean because I would not fully express my anger with him until we would break up over and over again. Also they mention being angry, doing very little to initiate sex and then closing up emotionally….that is me at the end of every relationship I have ever been in.

pg 20
What would happen if I acted out my darker side…I would fear being dumped and rejected in the most hurtful way possible.

pg 22
Watching for characteristics in others that elicit strong reactions from me….I have strong reactions to my mother’s characteristics and some of those are the very things I hate about myself. I am the first to point out other people’s flaws…I do this b/c I do not want to look at my own.

The more I push away, deny and hide the worse I make it for myself. I have always wanted to be loved for me…I have always wanted someone to love me for all that I am but how could I have expected that when I never let anyone see or experience all of me in a healthy way.

Marta: Being in the victim doesn’t mean collapsing in her…it is taking care of her…nurturing her, allowing her to express and receive…the victim child always needs recognition and love from you, but she needs to express, set boundaries and ask for what she needs or find a way to get her needs taken care of and accepted for being sad…it takes time to move through the victim.. you have to have patience.  but how are you taking care of her besides feeling sorry for her and yourself…there has to be action taken..

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