Reclaiming the Feminine
by Peggy Bennett
I left her in a ditch by the side of the road one day
When I couldn’t bear the weight of her
When I stopped letting her drag me down.
When I couldn’t stand her voice in my head anymore
Like some needy child
Always begging me to love her… to love myself.
She was just too big a burden for me
And in the midst of all my clawing and striving
I had no use for her.
And now I cannot find her.
I’ve retraced my steps a thousand times and combed the fields until late at night
I’ve called out to her in the dark and hear nothing but the echo of my own voice.
I beseech her to return to me.
Please be mine again
I need you to be whole
But all I hear is silence.
Maybe she was never really mine to possess
For, although I am a woman
I took more comfort in the masculine and learned to rely on that part of myself completely.
And now acting like a man does not serve me well
To power through and suck it up
I can no longer be that person and I am stuck between worlds
Wanting to feel like a woman again,
Wanting to feel warmth in my belly,
Wanting to feel love and compassion,
Wanting to feel something.
I will crawl on my hands and knees and beg her to return to me.
I will search the depths of my soul for her.
I will grovel on my belly.
I will claw and scratch at the earth with bloodied fingertips.
I will give up everything for her
And sing my song for her
Until she comes back to me
Until she comes home.
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