I am a thirty year old woman who has stifled my voice for my entire life. I come from a long line of abusers; physically, emotionally, mentally, and eventually self-abused. Growing up I lived in constant terror of my mother. She beat me and my sisters with wooden spoons, her hands, staplers, and anything else she could get her hands on in her moment of rage. She pushed me down the stairs, hung me upside down by my feet and banged my head against the floor, pulled my hair and knocked me against the walls. She kicked me, slapped me, and punched me with her free hand while driving the car. She told me I was stupid, that I ruined her life, that she wished she never had me. My father completely disassociated himself from all of this and didn’t protect us. He left the house and drank, and although he didn’t beat me, he once chased me through the house with a knife and broke into my bedroom, splintering the door frame into pieces as I cowered in the corner with a pair of scissors for self-defense. There is a part of me that doesn’t believe that all of this happened, that I am making it up, even as I write these words, my body shakes and tightens and tears are in my eyes. Is this my story? Did this really happen to me? Was it really that bad? It all seems like lifetimes ago, like a really bad nightmare I had in the past. The reality I have is how I now abuse myself, how I wake up with anxiety, tell myself I can’t do things, am unable to express my feelings in a healthy way, how I shut out the people in my life who love me, leak my rage out onto my loved ones, how I hate myself and stop myself and refuse to grow up and become an adult woman. I haven’t spoken to my father in over a year, my sisters in 6 months, the last thing my mother said to me was, “Evelyn, you are born alone and you die alone.” They can’t touch me now that I live so far away and they have no desire to see me, yet I’ve lived my entire life in their shadows, being a vampire to their zombies, wanting to suck the life out of them so I feel worthy, as they go deeper and deeper into outer space. There is nothing left of them to hold onto, and I struggle every day to get out of bed, pasting a fake smile over all of the pain, chasing their ghosts. Afraid of speaking my truth, afraid of being pathologized, afraid of being made wrong in a society of drugs and anger management and fake spirituality. My truth is that I’m in pain all the time, that most days I power through to get to the next one, that I’ve never really made love with a man, that the little girl in me still lives in a fantasy that my parents will wake up one day all Norman Rockwell and take me into their arms. That I have enough rage in me to kill them all. That I can – and do – disassociate myself and fly into outer space just like them. That I try to be good and nice so that people won’t know how angry I am. FAKE FAKE FAKE!
Being a part of The Telling was an amazing, transformative, and therapeutic experience for me on so many levels. I have been in so much shame about the things I have gone through in my life and doing this has broken through some of that shame. What I went through is a part of who I am now and it’s nothing to be ashamed about. The abuse I went through as a child put in my head that I was not worth being loved and the different abuses I went through as a teenager reinforced that. I have been acting and behaving as if I don’t deserve love because of what happened to me. Through working with Marta and doing The Telling I was able to see that. Also seeing those men who loved, respected and supported their wives despite the abuse made me see that I can be loved despite what happened. I do deserve it. It helped me take it in on another level.
Melissa Michel, Cast Member of The Telling
Telling my story and dancing my story was so huge for me! It was scary, I felt anxious, but watching my video I also felt a lot of compassion for my inner little girl, a lot of strength for myself for being vulnerable, and sadness that I hid myself in shame for so long. This performance was the first time I cried while performing, and it was also the first time I really felt the energy of the audience receiving the piece. Usually when I’m dancing/performing, I am stepping into a world that doesn’t really exist for me. But this performance I was sharing a piece of myself, and I was being myself. It felt amazing! That connectedness is something I want to expand on and always have with me when I am dancing.
Marie Davis, Cast Member of The Telling
Being a part of The Telling was very much like landing on a mysterious island and not being sure what would exist, and what I might see. I came into this with blinders on, and slowly as the cover lifted, what was revealed to me was a beautiful place of honest communication, laughter, tears, healing, and love, love, love and more love. The emotional creature inside me was nourished, the insecurities squashed like an ugly spider, and the artist allowed to paint with brilliant bright colors. The feminine was home, at last. The Telling was a game changer, no, a life changer. It opened my heart up to relationships with others, and most importantly the relationship and care I give to myself.
Tracee Kafer, Cast Member of The Telling
We can’t thank you enough for all you have done to help our agency and the girls we serve. I have heard so many rave reviews of the April 10th production and Stacey credits its success to all your hard work and sincere passion. You have done an amazing job “giving voice” to such an important segment of our population and further empowering their recovery!
Pam Mesmer, Executive Director of Brookwood Florida
Participating in The Telling was a life changing experience. After more than forty years, my secret was out, I shared my truth! A very liberating experience indeed! The process of getting to my truth was a journey, and participating in The Telling was the catalyst for releasing the shame that I kept suppressed for so many years. My abuse was my biggest secret, no one could know yet the results of my abuse showed up everywhere. Now, I no longer hide my abuse, the secret is out, the shame has been released, and the healing has begun!
Rita Munoz, Cast Member of The Telling
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