Morning, Awake

Poem by Lara Luzim

Ram guts into small bodies and smile
Big smiles for daddy
In me mommy retreats into pearly white melodies
Manipulating the very person I am trying to be
Like a version of a boot leg video recreating
Facial displays augmenting the visual that
Beats my body through mangled lips and
Static eyes tell stories that aren’t mine
How many people live the life that isn’t theirs
Rotating nightmares like it will never be me
Over and over turning tricks from past eras
Generational man slaughter, killing kids in
Pre-adolescence so that innocence becomes
The entertaining notion newscasters use to
Persuade you into believing it is you, it is you
that you need to hide from
and you run away from city streets
and outspoken pothole poets
into suburban landmines pre-destine to congest
in the arteries of each isolated family
And this becomes just another degree of separation
split into quiet corners of solitude that mirrors the
Very images you have already become
See grand and great, grand and great, great and grand
Notions of the person that was once me
but you can’t find it, and you can’t feel it strangled
by its predecessors sent to the corner over and over
until there are too many
fragments formulating full personalities inside
Desperately mocking each other trying to scratch
Their way to the surface
Each attempt defining a new purpose and you begin to burn
and the ashes become the smoke that’s clouded your eyes
and the static starts to subside
And you are left in your own shadows partially dead
But still very much alive and you realize you’ve crossed
Over to the other side, mirrors no longer splitting images
Unafraid to clearly see the predestined person that you’ve always been
No longer poisoned by genetic debris that has been screwing with
Your head since your were three
Say goodbye to my small body
now big pearly white shining star
enter me over and over
and this becomes the ritual
along with my morning coffee
This is the process: shower, shave, shit big smiles,
down drains and learn to contain the more authentic glare
Say it again and again, say it like it will never end
This is the version of self that I will forever mend

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