Client Journal: Dear Mom Letters

Dear Mom,
I hate you and I love you. I hate you because I feel like I’m not good enough for you. I try to please you all the time, act how you taught how to act, polite and nice. I smile a lot, pretend that nothing is wrong with me because I don’t want you to worry, I don’t want you to get upset, I don’t want to stress you out. But inside I feel like crying all the time. I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect daughter for you. Make the grades you want me to make, do the activities you told me to do because you said they would help me in life.

But inside I’m hurting Mommy. I’m hurting because I’m not perfect. I’m hurting because I don’t always make the grades you want, and I don’t like some of the activities you want me to do. Like tennis, I hate tennis! I think its the stupidest sport ever! But I tried to do it, because of you! I try so hard to be everything you want to be. I try so hard to be like you. And I never say anything because I’m scared. I’m scared that you don’t love me for me. I’m scared that you won’t ever.

Dear Mom,
I make myself small around you, and I feel so sad and hurt that I do this to myself so that you will love me. So that you will approve of me. It makes me angry! That I would rather live for you than for me. I feel so angry, because I feel like you know this, but let me do it just so I can be like you. I feel angry because you told me the smell of gas gives me an allergic reaction and I pretended that it does just because I thought it would please you! I feel so angry that I faked a sickness just to be close to you! It hurts because I care about you, but the fact I care about you more than myself makes me hate you and it makes me hate myself. It makes me hate myself a lot. And that makes me feel very very sad that I hate myself so I can try to win your approval.

Dear Mom,
I had a good dance class today, and even though I was proud of myself and I feel good about it, I feel sad. I feel sad because I know that if I tell you about it, go into details about the combination, how I felt doing it and how much fun I had with my friend I know you would just dismiss me, change the subject, say “Oh. That’s nice.” And talk about something else. Because that’s what you always do when I talk to you about something I love and that I am passionate about. It hurts me and it makes me sad that it is so easy for you to dismiss me.

Dear Mom,
I spend a lot of my time and energy trying to be just like you. Some of the things I get from you I like. I like that I have good intuition, but like you, I try to ignore it, pretend it doesn’t exist or call it paranoia. I like that I have strong opinions and points of view on different things, but like you, I remain silent most of the time. Like you I tell myself that my ideas, my viewpoint isn’t important enough, right enough or interesting enough; that I’m not right enough, important enough or interesting enough to be valued by anyone. Not even myself. I like that I inherited your coca-cola figure, but like you I spent a lot of my time hiding it behind baggy clothes because I felt ashamed to be a woman. Like you, I want to be in love and loved by a man who knows how to romance me, take me out and give me gifts and flowers. And like you, I settled for men who were cold, distant and ambivalent towards me, who lied to me and disrespected me, because I don’t think I am worth more than coldness, ambivalence and disrespect. It makes me feel sad and angry that I take on your pain and your hurt. It makes me sad and angry that I call my own pain and hurt, it makes me mad as hell that I have to learn without you how to truly love myself, how to treat myself, how to respect myself and how to surround myself around people who will mirror those things back to me. I am mad Mom, that it is such hard fucking work for me.

Client Journal: Anger with the Family

Client M: I rarely feel my hips and feet. When I feel overwhelmed I feel all of my energy either go into my head or in my throat. Often I feel like I want to escape my own body.

When I think about what it would be like for me to cut off from my family, the first thing I want to do is escape into my head. But when draw my attention to my feet and hips, I feel angry. Very angry. And I feel angry because I have a lot of unexpressed and built up hurt and sadness with them. I am starting to understand what you mean about tackling each emotion in pieces. I have too much anger in me to really feel sadness and grief over my family.

I feel angry. I feel angry and indignant. Because I feel like it is unfair that I am part of a family that would potentially cut me out for expressing myself honestly to them and with them. That is the child in me. The adult in me knows that being honest with myself and with them is the way to really live and experience the type of life I want to have. But it’s the fear that I hold, the fear that my little girl holds is what makes this hard for me. I’m scared that I will end up alone, without a support system, and I’m scared (since I have done it before) that I will transfer my feelings of anger sadness and pain that I have for my family onto my close friends. I am scared to let go because I am still having trouble accepting how cold and detached my family is.

Marta: Your fear and anger is a difficult journey with your family. It is important to contain and not leak these feelings. Expressing your fear and anger is what will build your emotional body. You can’t change your family, and you will need practice in expressing to them. Breathe and contain. Remember that underneath you anger and fear is your need to love and be loved.

Client Journal: Anger at the Feminine

So I started thinking about session and I began reading the anger chapter again in the shadow side…

I realize sometimes when I first come into a session I have a hard time expressing what I want to work i decided to try and center myself and come in a bit.

I try to people please and by doing this I suppress my own feelings..

While just having a conversation with my mother or sister I start to feel enraged..disgusted and suffocated. As this feeling grows stronger, I am yessing them to death and letting them vent whatever it is they are saying while all along the anger is building inside.

I am not sure where the core of this anger stems and where to even begin with it….I am trying to pinpoint something very specific. All I can come up my mothers mental illness..her constant need for attention…her lies…her anger…all that she lays on me…I feel emotionally drained every-time I see her ..I dread spending time with her and I feel angry around her…she constantly sucks off of me….I reject her a lot and then feel angry because this guilt comes up and I get stuck and shut down.

I constantly let her get away with her behavior…because the alternative feels even worse, when I do express myself , my anger feels like it is hitting a brick wall and bouncing back at me…my anger gets rejected which angers me more…I only feel better when I lash out at her in a childish way because i finally feel heard.

I experience that same feeling with C constantly but on a different level..I feel she is always rejecting my feelings and I am always judging and “parenting” her…getting angry because I cant change her or control her…I hate to admit that, but when I am honest with myself I realize I try to control her out of some type of fear. I never trust her. I also try to please her and I am constantly doing things for her even at the expense of my own needs. I then blame her and get angry.

I am constantly rejected by her when I try to express that my needs arent being met and she somehow manipulates and denies that what I have expressed is even valid again a wall I hit. So now I am finally trying to take some responsibility that I am rejecting myself and no one else is responsible for this but me…I cant go on with this cycle with C, it doesn’t feel good any more…and my needs are never going to be met…

I wish I knew what that pull was to her…I guess its just the pattern energy..
I come at her with intensity and try to connect but it is all to deep and overwhelming for her and then I feel rejected so I then try to control her. She begins pushing me away and I cling even harder…rejected and needy, until finally I get sick of feeling so rejected so I get angry and take my power back, I then turn around and push her away, only for her to come back chasing me…a cycle that never seems to move forward…the longer it goes on the more resentments and crap that piles up.

I get so angry that I can’t change her..its ridiculous. She will do something that I perceive as rejection because i am trying to connect with her while she is trying to escape…I then start feeling angry and begin to judge her…only to realize I am escaping myself by trying to fix her.