Client Journal: Why Don’t They Love Me?

Post Date March 16, 2011
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My father never comes home when he says he will and he never talks to me. He doesn’t really act like he wants to get to know me. My mother tells me all the time how different or better her life would be if i was not in it. She treats me like I am a roach that is bothering her and she hits me to get rid of me. It hurts so much and it makes me so sad. I wonder why they don’t want me and why they don’t love me.

***

They hurt me so much and all I want is to get rid of them. I want them out of my life. I don’t want to want or need them. I can’t wait until I get away from them forever. I would love nothing more than to erase them from my past, present and future. Underneath it all my hatred is my need for them to love me and it kills me inside. IT JUST KILLS ME. It makes me even angrier. I hate them for what they did to me. I hate them and I hate myself  for still loving them. I hope that one day my father realizes what he has done and fall in love with me and wants to become a real father to me…I know it won’t happen but maybe he will be like M’s dad or my other friend’s dads.

Client Journal: Letters to Myself

Post Date August 27, 2010
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Dear Little M,

I feel sad that you feel like you’re nothing. Because you are amazing. You are more than just pretty, you are beautiful. You have a caring heart and you like to make other people happy. But I want you to be happy.

 You can have all the things you say you want, the pretty dresses, the nice make up, the nice safe house and dates with boys who think you are special. Because you are special. I feel sad that you feel like you are nothing. A lot of that is my fault. I keep leaving you to fend for yourself so that I could try to win mom and dad’s love. That was mean of me and I am so sorry. I know how scared and alone you feel because I feel that way too. It seems like it’s easy to try to be the “perfect” person. To do everything and be everything we think the other person wants us to be. But the truth is, trying to be perfect is so painful. It is painful because we feel sad or like we’re not good enough when we don’t match our idea of “perfect”. Perfect doesn’t exist sweetie, and I am sorry it took me so long to realize that and to tell you that. 

The truth is, you are better than perfect. You are real. Real people get to make mistakes and try again and learn new things. Real people get to make funny faces and tell the people around them how they feel. Real people get to laugh, cry, scream and shout. Real people get to live. Honey, I want you to live. I need you to live. Without you, I can’t survive.

You have been so brave and strong protecting yourself the way you knew how. But it’s ok now. I am here to protect you. I am here to love you. Please let me get to know you, support you, love you and take care of you.

Love,
Older M

Dear Older M,

I want to be a grown up. I want to wear pretty dresses and nice make up and go out on dates with boys. I want to keep living in a nice safe house close to trees and animals. But I am scared that I won’t have these things. I am scared that I’m not good enough, that I’m not smart enough or pretty enough. I feel sad and lonely.

 Because I think that if I just keep trying to be perfect, than mom and dad will notice me. And if they notice me, they will love me. And then I will be able to love me and wear all the pretty dresses and have all the nice things I want because they love me. I need them to tell me I’m good enough. I feel like I am nothing.

Love,
Little M

Marta: If you dig deeper you will realize why you believe this…and why you keep sabotaging yourself. You even write it in your note, unworthiness and acting in ways that re-affirm that truth for you…so…what makes you want to keep believing this besides your unworthiness…and how did you learn to be unworthy? being in this belief keeps you connected to your family, keeps you attached, and keeps you in blame, judgment and jealousy….this way you do not have to let go…you can stay collapsed and never take responsibility. it also internalizes your anger so you can punish yourself…it is a vicious unconscious circle…this is why I said your anger and grief underneath the blame is not over…you need to make these connections…

Client Journal: Unloved Child

Post Date April 07, 2010
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Client: Tapping into my unloved child is hard for me. I start to feel the pain, and because it is so dense it starts to scare me. Then I take a deep breath and start doing the tapping. This lessens the heaviness that I feel, and I don’t feel as scared but I do feel the hurt and the pain. Even though I now know the lack of love I received from my father has nothing to do with me, I still need to heal that part of myself. But I am realizing, is when I shut down I act like him. Cold, distant and inattentive to myself and those around me. I don’t do it as much now, but I would disappear. Just like he would. I would just retreat and shutdown and I wouldn’t talk to anyone for three or four days at a time. I would ignore the world. I would ignore myself. It makes me sad to really feel how I turn into the thing that hurts me the most.

Marta: You repeated the negative pattern to protect yourself…now you are waking up to feel how it is hurting you…don’t judge. Allow yourself to tap on loving yourself unconditionally for taking on the pattern to love and take care of yourself…say I can see this different now and forgive myself and start to take care of myself in more loving ways…then repeating what my father did by shutting down…shutting down took care of me and now receiving love is taking care of me…tap on that. Good work…keep tapping on that you accept yourself unconditionally…even you protected yourself by shutting down, you can make another choice now.

** Tapping is an Emotional Freedom Training (EFT) process that activates energy points in the body to relieve trauma, limited beliefs and other stress related or non-productive behavior.

Client Journal: Victim Child

Post Date March 08, 2010
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Client: Lately I have been in my victim big time…Everyday for the past couple of days I feel like life is taking a shit on me. I have some things going on with my family that are making me really sad and I was in a very hopeless place for awhile…I wanted to ask you a question…I feel like I have been with and in my victim…I have not been pushing her away…I have been talking to her…I’m trying to listen to her more often and figure out what she wants. I am giving room to be sad. Right now she feel like the world is unfair and she is urt by that. Every day I let her cry. Even if it’s at work. I take a minute to let her cry.

I know I need to embrace my unhappiness but how do I go from there, b/c I know for sure I’m not trying to escape my sadness…I feel like I’m fully immersed in sadness and feeling sorry for myself.

In regards to the book, *(Shadow Side of Intimate Relationships by Doug and Naomi Moseley www.intimacytraining.com)

Chapter 1
Pg 5
They give the example of the a woman who wants to be in a relationship but who doesn’t acknowledge the part of her who doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I see myself in this woman. I have neglected that part of me and it has resulted in me being alone.

Chapter 2
pg 14 – 15
They talk about people who refuse to acknowledge their darker parts and how they cannot live up to their full potential and will not be able to function well in a relationship.  They also talk about the fear in showing one’s shadow side.  I know I am not living up to my full potential and I also don’t want to acknowledge  my darker parts….There are parts of myself that hurt me to look at. I hate the parts of me that are abusive, that are willing to take abuse, that are crazy, mean, obsessive, & untrustworthy. Especially the things I have done in my past. I am afraid of getting into an intimate relationship and having my partner see these sides of me. I’m afraid of that person being disgusted by me and they won’t love me anymore…I want my partner to only see me as sweet loving, happy, positive, fun, loving, worthy of love, funny and smart…I want them to think that they do not deserve me….in order to have that I have to play up those sides of me and ignore the other.

pg 18
They describe a relationship with the good girl….That is soooo me w/my first boyfriend (I was 19) I was critical and mean because I would not fully express my anger with him until we would break up over and over again. Also they mention being angry, doing very little to initiate sex and then closing up emotionally….that is me at the end of every relationship I have ever been in.

pg 20
What would happen if I acted out my darker side…I would fear being dumped and rejected in the most hurtful way possible.

pg 22
Watching for characteristics in others that elicit strong reactions from me….I have strong reactions to my mother’s characteristics and some of those are the very things I hate about myself. I am the first to point out other people’s flaws…I do this b/c I do not want to look at my own.

The more I push away, deny and hide the worse I make it for myself. I have always wanted to be loved for me…I have always wanted someone to love me for all that I am but how could I have expected that when I never let anyone see or experience all of me in a healthy way.

Marta: Being in the victim doesn’t mean collapsing in her…it is taking care of her…nurturing her, allowing her to express and receive…the victim child always needs recognition and love from you, but she needs to express, set boundaries and ask for what she needs or find a way to get her needs taken care of and accepted for being sad…it takes time to move through the victim.. you have to have patience.  but how are you taking care of her besides feeling sorry for her and yourself…there has to be action taken..