I gotta find myself
I gotta find myself
I gotta find myself…words like whispers awaken the search
I…of Jewish breed conceived 1978, Cancun sunflower seed
Transplanted to South Florida suburban shores
Baby girl trying to find the world with her baby toes
Dug into the sand I learn to carry palm trees in my hand
willing them to dance
Fake crabgrass imbedded in my ass and salt water dripping
From my eyes I look to the painted sky and recognize
The Formula 411 information that reads like the divorce
From my memory learning to relate to my fragmented fate
Splitting prom dress…I become the seamstress of my own destiny
Notorious Aries, J.A.P. dances and chants. Bleeds, puffs,
Makes love, gets crocked.
I become the version mutated beyond manicured lawns
And cross the border into spiritual psalms
over and over I watch my community assimilate
only to worship money and status
glad their dads and moms became doctors and lawyers
so the hunt for the perfect lifestyle would become easy to obtain
Just follow the Formula and let the Rabbi explain
Except, no dream, no memory, no shadow remains
And I travel through vacant gated neighborhoods
Looking for signs of the earth and sky in the
eyes of other members of my tribe
I have seen Elijah hanging out once or
twice with Sarah and Lilith throwing
back forties and tokin blunts at my door step
Their voices wept with the same salt water in their eyes
same sand on their skin because we don’t
Come from green grass, we wander in deserts and cross
seas to find inner peace
To find myself I must run away from the fake religion
That plagues me.
This first born female of Jewish legacy
I gotta find myself like Talib Kwelil
His train of thought reminds me that Brooklyn
Is the place to be
That hip hop is the ingenuity, the creative beacon in the middle
of my sleepless night
I …light skin, blue eyes like clear skies, purple heart, black soul
hide dead sea scrolls rewritten by women in the herums of the Goddesss
That tell me to find the meshuguna B-girl that battles ambivalence
Like a saber toothed sorceress
I’ve gotta find myself in this poem
I melt into whispers of Kaddish, praying to remember
Living to forget.
I awaken only to partake in this grander scheme
And I find myself in between dreams
Beginning to find pieces
Of myself
In little things.

Poem by Lara Luzim

Ram guts into small bodies and smile
Big smiles for daddy
In me mommy retreats into pearly white melodies
Manipulating the very person I am trying to be
Like a version of a boot leg video recreating
Facial displays augmenting the visual that
Beats my body through mangled lips and
Static eyes tell stories that aren’t mine
How many people live the life that isn’t theirs
Rotating nightmares like it will never be me
Over and over turning tricks from past eras
Generational man slaughter, killing kids in
Pre-adolescence so that innocence becomes
The entertaining notion newscasters use to
Persuade you into believing it is you, it is you
that you need to hide from
and you run away from city streets
and outspoken pothole poets
into suburban landmines pre-destine to congest
in the arteries of each isolated family
And this becomes just another degree of separation
split into quiet corners of solitude that mirrors the
Very images you have already become
See grand and great, grand and great, great and grand
Notions of the person that was once me
but you can’t find it, and you can’t feel it strangled
by its predecessors sent to the corner over and over
until there are too many
fragments formulating full personalities inside
Desperately mocking each other trying to scratch
Their way to the surface
Each attempt defining a new purpose and you begin to burn
and the ashes become the smoke that’s clouded your eyes
and the static starts to subside
And you are left in your own shadows partially dead
But still very much alive and you realize you’ve crossed
Over to the other side, mirrors no longer splitting images
Unafraid to clearly see the predestined person that you’ve always been
No longer poisoned by genetic debris that has been screwing with
Your head since your were three
Say goodbye to my small body
now big pearly white shining star
enter me over and over
and this becomes the ritual
along with my morning coffee
This is the process: shower, shave, shit big smiles,
down drains and learn to contain the more authentic glare
Say it again and again, say it like it will never end
This is the version of self that I will forever mend