Client Journal: New/Old Familiar Place

As I paint today I am accessing a hatred of my parents that I have not felt for years.
I secretly wished they were dead. Killed is the word that is coming through.
‘Bloody murder you’ is what my mother would say to me when she was mad.
‘I could just kill you’…she would say when she was fed up with the whole family..
My dark side wants to protect myself.
I will escape.
Kill or be killed.
Get out.
Get away from them.
They are evil.
My child went into terror over this when I was young.
I am accessing a very ugly place that is so real to me and had permeated my being for so long.
But my nice girl and my guilt would never admit it. Never confess.
Admit my hatred for them.
I am still trying to run away from this (them).
Time to face this now.
I feel mean and angry and evil.
This is the badness I have felt for so long.
I hated…hated…hated…hated my parents.
I could scream for days at them.
Scream into the darkness. Into the abyss.

I need to be in this place right now.
I am not self destructive.
This destroyed me for most of my life.
Feeling my grief is healing my self destruction. The deep wound.
I am very sad. I am wrong to have so much hatred running through my veins.
I am wrong for being such an angry bitch.
I am wrong for making them wrong and competing with them.
I am wrong for annihilating them.
Too bad.
I am so sick of being so fucking wrong, so today I am walking around being right about being wrong!
Being right today feels justified because I am so pissed!

Client Journal: The Ice Queen

The Ice Queen
The Ice Queen

Marta: She’s the ice queen.. feel her in your body.. but I don’t want you to go too far with her.. this is a very strong defensive layer.. and when you break through her physically there is a de-tox and a deep stripping.. so I want to be with you when we get there.. just breathe into her know she has protected you for a very long time.. maybe have a dialog with her.. such with your dominant writing hand ask her a question, with non-dominant answer the question.. it is very effective
This cold layer is important….I hope you can keep grounding….and staying with this

Client: Exercise so far:

What do you want to tell me?
I do not like you. I don’t want you to be warm. I am here to protect you from anything good. You cannot get what you want. I am here to remind you who you really are….cold and dead.

How long are you going to dominate my body?
For as long as you want. I will tell you how your LOVE will die. I will tell you how alone you will be.

How will my love die?
You will stop feeling others LOVE. You will go numb.

How can I stop this?
You can’t unless you break through the layer of self hate.

I am not sure what to do with all of this. I keep breathing.

M: Ask her why she is so cruel? What is the deeper need for her. She has needs… what is it.. why is she protecting you from anything good? Why does she want you to hate yourself…. What hasn’t she forgiven…
So she is telling you, you need to break through the layer of self hatred… What is the self hatred? It seems to me the answers are attitudes you have been hiding and living with for a long time…..Self hatred is a deep despair… What will it take to stop hating yourself? If she hates you she is hating the feminine.. I suspect this is in your ovaries, where you always feel the pain when we go in.. ..Why do you hate the feminine so much? Again, this is the sister/mother/daughter relationship…..what will it take to receive the feminine and her love? Can you feel and receive anything positive and nurturing about the feminine.. what nourishing experiences do you have with the feminine? Find those places in you as well… I wouldn’t push to deep for now. I said I want to be there to push through this cold. and hate.. be patient, but place an intention to want to love the feminine and forgive her.. for all her betrayal…..don’t force it, or push it just place an intention…….let me know how you go with this….

Client: I feel sad and hurt.
She was very abusive to me and I shut down and went into my victim which makes me cold. She is very cold.
I feel stuck in this. My abdomen is heavy. I took a hot bath to relieve my back and hips….only helped a little bit.
I have a pushing sensation in my body…..pushing women away from me….protection.
I feel sad today.
I am breathing and trying to embrace the cold in me. (it is like a sub personality)
I did the exercise you gave me. It has freaked me out a little. I feel evil/darkness.

So far I have done the 1st question.

I feel shocked to my core with the answer as it felt like my mother and then I got scared and wondered if that is the non verbal message I send to my daughter.

Why are you so cruel?
If I can’t have the life I want I do not want you to have what you want.

I feel very sad.

Marta: take it slow in answering the questions…..each answer might be a big realization…you are getting in touch with the ice mother/queen… she can be vindictive in her answers. You are deepening your awareness of the victim/victimizer pattern……that is why it is important to start doing one nurturing thing a day,, so SHE cannot sabotage your need for love. it takes patience and slow nourishment…

What is the life she wanted that she did not have…?? Why are you allowing yourself to submit to her rejection of your needs.It is important that you question if you are giving A this message as well, but don’t forget there is balance as well…there is a difference between discipline and vindictiveness…maybe you are both afraid and vindictive with A…losing her and she getting what she wants more than you?

If you start to allow yourself to receive what you truly want and allow love in…. then what would happen?

Do that one thing every day….you need to start feeling the love of your body as a woman… see what happens.. in order to change the self hatred we need to start slowing giving your body something it can receive as nurturing.. something simple such as the warm bath and candles.. does that make sense.. we take it day by day and week by week to build up this relationship of nurturance…

When breaking through the cold the ice/queen needs to know there is a safe place for her to go. She too is afraid. She is a protection of the fear. Give her some safety. Make an emotional nourishment list of things that make you feel safe, warm and connected.

Choose one…for 15-20 minutes a day give yourself this nourishment.

Client: This was hard to even come up with.

warm bath with candles lit
drink tea and listen to music
read spiritual passages in a book
read poetry

I can definitely do the warm bath and candles every day.