Claiming the Soul Woman
by Peggy Bennett

I was a woman who was more interested in acting like a man.

Climbing the corporate ladder,
Doing battle with anyone who tried to get ahead of me,
Living in the two inches above my eyes,
A head with feet, really.

One day I woke up and didn’t recognize myself.
I was so consumed with protecting what was mine,
That I didn’t realize I had become a woman who I did not like.
A woman who damned with faint praise,
A woman who withheld support for others’ work,
A woman who smiled in your face but wished nothing but your downfall behind your back.
I became all of the things that I hated in those around me.

I kept pushing myself harder thinking it would make my life better
I worked on project after project
Thinking more work would bring me peace
And then I brought in the consultant for my most difficult project
And it blew up in my face.

I worked for several years on that project
Finding the perfect format
Building support with the powers that be
Finding the right time to present it to the company executives
And in a matter of minutes it was killed off and left for dead.

The executives expressed their dislike for the consultant quickly and in various ways
Some arrogantly challenged her expertise
Some disparaged the CEO
Some remained silent and hid from the conversation
None came forward to treat her with respect.

And when the CEO found out about the meeting
He came to me to gather information
I told him what had transpired behind his back
How his own people had made fun of him and acted out
I made sure that my words destroyed any trust he had in them,
And in that moment, I sunk to my lowest self.

And then I heard the voice of my spirit,
Who are you?  What are you doing?
And I was ashamed.
I didn’t know who I was or how I became this person
And I realized that I was miserable in this person I had become.

Her voice was the only reminder of what my soul needed
Calling me back to my true path
To slow down and enjoy my life
To forget about money and endless striving for more, more, more
More homes, more cars, more stuff.
To stop living life outside of myself and find the compassion for my humanness
To live life from a place of love and not one of fear.

And on the day that I decided to value my heart above my head,
I quit.
I walked away and never looked back.
I set out to reclaim my soul.
And in the process to reclaim myself.

Kissing
by Peggy Bennett

I don’t kiss any more.
No more sweet, soft, summer kisses
that start on the beach in darkness,
after all of the bars have closed.
The kind that exist in a world of their own,
not leading to anything else.
The kind that leave your lips chapped
and your face scratched,
and end at sunrise.
With a boy you hardly know and probably will never see again.
The kind of kisses you speak of to your girlfriends on Sunday mornings,
while you all sit on the beach in the sun perfectly contented.
And feeling like you are walking on air.

No, the kisses I give now are like a mom-mom or an aging aunt,
kisses on cheeks and tops of heads.
Loud smacking kisses on the lips that create giggles in the receiver,
kisses that show love and affection and the promise to be there forever.
Kisses that hide the girl I used to be,
the girl who kissed strangers in the moonlight.
And for a fleeting  moment ran free.

Reclaiming the Feminine
by Peggy Bennett

I left her in a ditch by the side of the road one day
When I couldn’t bear the weight of her
When I stopped letting her drag me down.
When I couldn’t stand her voice in my head anymore
Like some needy child
Always begging me to love her… to love myself.
She was just too big a burden for me
And in the midst of all my clawing and striving
I had no use for her.

And now I cannot find her.
I’ve retraced my steps a thousand times and combed the fields until late at night
I’ve called out to her in the dark and hear nothing but the echo of my own voice.
I beseech her to return to me.
Please be mine again
I need you to be whole
But all I hear is silence.

Maybe she was never really mine to possess
For, although I am a woman
I took more comfort in the masculine and learned to rely on that part of myself completely.
And now acting like a man does not serve me well
To power through and suck it up
I can no longer be that person and I am stuck between worlds

Wanting to feel like a woman again,
Wanting to feel warmth in my belly,
Wanting to feel love and compassion,
Wanting to feel something.

I will crawl on my hands and knees and beg her to return to me.
I will search the depths of my soul for her.
I will grovel on my belly.
I will claw and scratch at the earth with bloodied fingertips.
I will give up everything for her
And sing my song for her
Until she comes back to me
Until she comes home.