Client Journal: Wrong Journal 1

This is the worst feeling in my body that I can ever remember.
My body keeps shooting pains out of my throat and my right ovary.
My fear is that I have cancer.
I have to trust that this is just my healing process to unwind this deep belief of being wrong.
Being wrong runs my life.
I lay in bed last night crying because I do not know how to fix my child. Then I realized I was making myself wrong for not knowing how to help the situation.
I have recognized a ‘hero’ fantasy I sometimes have about saving people or somehow saving the day. I know now that is a way I try to make myself feel better about being ‘wrong’.
I do not know how to feel right.
I am even afraid that what I write is wrong. That my expression will be judged and I am wrong.
This is so scary to have come up so strongly.
How am I going to be able to work?
I am supposed to do my job serving people.
I have terror in my body as I anticipate a business call this morning with my most challenging client.
His wife is bipolar and he somehow seems to zero in on me and how I am doing personally.
He scares me.
I always pull him back to the business at hand but I feel guilty that I am hiding something from him and he knows.
There it is again. Fear of men.
I am always wrong with men. I can never do it good enough.
Already I feel a little relief writing this.
I could cry right now because I am so glad this is up.
It is awful. It is ugly. It sucks but I am happy it is up because it is slowly driving me crazy.
I am so sad about my mother as I spoke with her last night. I do not want to end up like her. Alone and disappointed about life. The whole world is her enemy.
Me being wrong has cut me off from many, many relationships over the years. I now see the pain was too great to bear as I didn’t know how to proceed. I always felt so wrong and I projected it onto them.
I have always looked for perfection. Perfect friends…perfect me. Perfect growth and consciousness.
(My ovary is in agony right now).
The grief in my body from being so cut off, so alone is so deep it feels like a black hole.
A hole that has no bottom. A kind of hell.
No connection.
How the hell am I going to get through this day?
How am I going to go to work…
The terror has me so frozen.
I want a massage but I do not want to go as I am afraid I will fall apart on the table and I also have a little crush on my massage therapist.
He is so kind and loving and nurturing.
It scares me how much I need love.

I just got an email from my child’s therapist. She is on board with getting the whole family involved with the coordination that includes the psychiatrist. She wants to maintain trust with my child which is of course acceptable. I feel relieved that there is movement with this.

I have to trust myself. I have to trust that others do not want to hurt me or my child.

Being wrong about being wrong might be a way to start breaking into this core belief.