Client Journal: What Does Saving Someone Mean For Me?

Client: What does saving someone mean for me? It means redemption, validation, acceptance, an end to denial, a sense of self and safety. I only feel good when I am sacrificing something of myself, or on my behalf, to save someone else and that people are watching me do it. It’s a high. That’s when I feel I exist, when I feel proud or best about myself. How much blood can I pour out to save someone else? How many bullets do I have to take to save someone? How much pain do I have to endure to save someone else? I’m guessing, the more the better. Every fantasy I have involves almost killing myself in order to save someone else – usually a guy. And if I can save them, they can look at me and know that I exist, that I deserve respect, that I’m made of stronger stuff, and they can love me back. And then I can love myself.

Marta: Right here is the pattern: This is how deep your wound is with your father and mother. This is how much you need this to be healed. Write more about this. Find the little girl who is so empty that she would die to get love. Find the adult who is now saying I love and I won’t leave you. Get the little girl to hear the adult in you, the one who is finding her feet and wanting healthy love.

Client Journal: Superior/Worthless Pattern

Client L: I have been writing about all the incidents in which I felt inferior to men. There are some with my dad and younger brother, then also with guys I date. I also noticed the superior pattern…with some guys (the nice ones), I felt superior to them or I was totally in control and bossy! If they were not popular or cute, but I liked them, I would still feel better than them for some reason? Why would I do that? Where does that superior come from when I felt so inferior? Was it to try to compensate for the worthless feelings?

Marta: The superior is always about the worthless, but what breaks the pattern are feelings and expression. Inside of the pattern is always a wound. See what wounds and feelings are in this pattern.

Client Journal: Saving the world – Special/Worthless

It has really hit me.

I cannot save the world.
I cannot save my clients.
I cannot save my daughter.
I cannot save my family.
I cannot save my dog.
I cannot save my cat.
I cannot save that bird.
I cannot save. I cannot save. I cannot save.

I cannot make it better for people in my life. I can only make me better by knowing myself, having boundaries and feeling deeply.

This must be all my enabling stuff unraveling.
I have spent my whole life trying to save people and creatures.
At least it has driven me to save myself! Whew.
But I have to rewire what saving myself means.
Accepting my humanness and messiness is my true salvation.
Not trying to make everyone happy and perfect.
For me this is a huge unwiring of my responsibility button.
It started with my mother…trying to make her happy.

I have believed for a long time birds come from an angelic realm in the energy.
That bird in my backyard came to give me a message (according to my Shaman training)
It came to teach me this lesson.

I feel so sad.
And I feel loved by that bird!

Had a realization when I got up this morning.
I always thought I was special in the eyes of God…doing God’s work…that I had a mission to serve God/Spirit.
It struck me that I have a special/worthless relationship with God!? Isn’t that like competition with God.
I am in shock.
I really want to accept my ordinariness and just be a human. It is such a burden and sad because the special/worthless part robbed me of my love and trust in God/Spirit.
I robbed myself.
I feel sad and shocked.