Client: I have had a few breakdowns…a lot of hysterical crying and this morning some pillows bore the brunt of my anger, but I am still feeling tired and anxious. It took me a few hours to write this b/c I was processing what feelings and experiences and interactions.

I know I need to write…but what about? I am afraid of giving my head any more attention than it has already been given this holiday…I feel like I am fighting to keep it together and now I am realizing that I need to love and be patient with myself. I have been tormenting myself with “what ifs” and reminding myself of my insecurities on a regular basis…instead of honoring my process…I am being consumed with being unhappy and falling apart and being confused and stressed bout everything…meanwhile not following my own mantra…more chaos, less sense.

seeking and finding warm and happy spaces and holding onto that instead of lingering on everything that i am confused about.
I love that L called me out on my over-analysis of everything. I just need to live and be. Live, be and not worry or have anxiety about tomorrow. That is my issue right now…dwelling on the future and writing/thinking “will I be happy someday soon”… when really the days will bring the same thing…but it is my little girl who needs attention and a chance to speak.

so what does she need?

she needs to dance, she needs to celebrate and be loved and surrounded by love
I am thinking of writing my dad a letter…but don’t know where to begin…

I am loved and beginning to learn how to love myself.

I do deserve a good guy…I am realizing that I have always had good guy friends around me and friends that have relationship with incredible men…but I have always been “them” and “me” not really believing that I will be in a relationship and be loved by someone….unconditional love from a good guy has never been something I have felt I deserve or will ever get.  I am always so warmed and happy for my friends, but then have these esteem issues of my own.

so what do I need to change about myself in order to change?
when I am by myself…love myself instead of being in my head.

I love my soft spirit and love that I exude that onto people. I love the strength and drive I have to fight for myself. I love my deep intuition I have about people. I love the fight i have inside me. I love the energy and love for happiness…I love that I have the freedom and liberty to dance and be a complete dork and not care. I am an incredible human being and that’s an overpowering longing to connect to others…and to learn to put some of that towards myself. I am a beautiful woman inside and out and will be happy.

When I become sarcastic and distance myself, I am acting out of the fear and belief that I don’t deserve that attention and love.
When I receive and welcome that love instead of being defensive, I am acting from loving myself and accepting myself for who I am right now.

I can still be angry at my mom and dad and hate the life they have built for themselves and the part I play in that, and still love myself and my healing process. I am still loveable and can still be happy right now while I am on this path..even if I feel like my life is out of my hands sometimes. I am lovable and cannot be lonely if i am truly present. I am the best person to love myself. I am happy and love myself when i write.

I am happy and love myself when I listen to music and dance.

I am learning and allowing myself to talk to god again…but different than what i have done in the past. Right now I am just acknowledging and letting myself believe again.

…..after typing up this journal I am feeling better… and feeling more at rest. I get so resistant to feeling something I don’t think I should be feeling instead or really allowing it.  Or I think I am allowing myself to feel but I’m not. I want to thank you for teaching me how to practice steps towards healing and feeling…as you can tell I kind of shifted in my thought and writing in the middle of the journal…I had been dwelling so much on being screwed up and unhappy and it is you who taught me how to switch gears and nurture that little girl instead of beating up on her. I love and appreciate you so much for this…thank you Marta for your love and involvement in this process…you are invaluable to me.

Marta: It is true you need to stop analyzing as we have talked about. But, I am unclear as to the specifics of the breakdowns, the hysterical crying and anger. You go right to these emotional experiences to long affirmations of self love. I do encourage you to give attention to the little girl, and it takes time to manifest all that you have and to set an intention to create in your life. Loving yourself is loving the insecurities and dark emotions as well as the beautiful, light and strength you exude. It is not an either or…it is both. When you are in the light all the time, then you can go into denial of the emotions that need to be processed and healed, when you are in the dark too long, you can go into depression and self hatred. It is a balance. This takes time to master….I would like to have you practice loving yourself for your anger, crying and breakdowns…I would like to know what is going on when this happens…I know you have very strong judgments and beliefs that you won’t be happy, futurizing your happiness instead of being in the moment…however, the moment is every emotion. It is learning from each feeling whether it be joy or anger…learning to express these feelings….not override them with positive thinking…giving attention to the little girl is allowing her the anger…I sense that when you go into these darker places that you think and then jump into affirmation…you need to take to the time to listen deeply. Anger is not a good or bad feeling, it is how we discern the anger…do you collapse and attack with the anger, or express your needs. Who were you feeling anger towards, what did you feel hysterical about?  I want to know the details of these experiences. Affirmation is a powerful tool, and it can also be a power and control of feelings, powering your way into happiness, convincing yourself. There is surrender in affirmation where we stop repeating and start allowing for our intentions to come to us. But we have to also transfigure our emotional vibration and energy in order for the affirmation to match the emotions. We deserve to be loved whether we are happy or unhappy. Living in the now is responding to whatever feeling you are experiencing, expressing and receiving…affirmation does make us feel good, but it can at times be a temporary good feeling, unless we understand our darker emotions and what they need. Unconditional acceptance of all of our experiences helps us to be comfortable in our bodies and feelings…I hope you understand what I am teaching you…it is about feeling, expressing, receiving, time, attention, follow through and boundaries…Please take in what I am sharing…..stay on track of what the process is about, I am happy to hear from you and that you are working to feel and find ways to change and make choices to focus on the little girl….and the little girl still needs to feel and express and not just think her way into happiness. She needs to feel her way into happiness.