Embracing the Self

Client: I’m still a little unclear about embracing my disowned parts. I am sometimes a little bit of both. My behavior and thoughts operate as one person doing a certain thing in a certain way, then I completely flip and turn into my opposite or have opposing thoughts. I thought about the things that I hate in other people that really piss me off or offend me and then I thought about the times when I act just like that. I  just realized (as I am typing this) that I have a problem with anyone who is an extreme of one of my selves.

I have a problem with judgmental/critical people.
People who are excessively loud or attention seeking.
Overly religious people who push their views onto others.
People who have no interest in education and only care about superficial aspects of reality.
People who are “too” emotional – I see them as weak  (I have had a problem with in the past. Mostly as a kid and teenager.)
People who are not emotional enough.
Know-it-alls, been-there-done-it-alls.
I hate people who are negative all the time.

This list can probably go on more.
I hate religious zealots. I hate people who try to stuff their religious views down everyone’s throat.
I hate this but I do the same thing (not with my religious views but with my personal ones).

I also have a problem with people who are “too” emotional even though I have been like that in others’ eyes and my own eyes at times.
Like the books suggest, I asked this part of me how would she live my life if she was in control.

I don’t get to cry as much as I would like. Sometimes I feel sad about something and I tell myself to hold it. Sometimes [my little girl] doesn’t want to cry about people who have hurt her feeling so she keeps the tears in.

There is this bright, funny, positive go-getter part of me that tries to cover up the part of me that isn’t those things. I hate being called negative and I hate being negative. I work really hard sometimes to be this upbeat “go get ’em” person. I notice that when I say something negative, I sometimes say something positive to cover up what I just said so that I don’t come off as negative to others. I say and I am attracted to those sayings that talk about how hard life is but you can turn it around.

The other part of me thinks that all of that is bullshit and is waiting for the upbeat girl to fall flat on her face. I also fear that someone will call me out on my bullshit and embarrass me or show me how stupid I really am.

The critic in me is the one I hate the most. This is the side of me that is judgmental and mean to me and makes me freeze in fear and doubt anytime I need or want to do something important. This side picks on my victim and my victim cries ” I CAN’T!”. Everything is a “no” or an “I just can’t” and “I hate that too”. I hate “I can’t”. I hate that quitter negative voice.

I have a problem with kids sometimes and I think it’s because as a child I wasn’t allowed to do things that kids do. Certain traits were not valued by my mother and I got in trouble, yelled at or hit if I behaved in those ways.

Marta: All of these parts of yourself, the either/or behaviors, judgments, criticisms, reactions to others etc., are defended patterns that cover up your feelings, emotions, needs and wounds, as well as the expression of emotions and boundaries to embrace these emotions. We need to work through your defenses and that takes patience. Be patient with your child, she is afraid and she has been criticized for a long time. Take each one of your patterns and behaviors and find the feelings you are hiding in them.

To hate the critic is not to understand yourself. Underneath the critic is a defense; it is hating on top of hating. You hate the critic, the critic hates the child, and on and on. When you can begin to embrace the emotions and wounds in this hate, you will find the compassionate parent in you. The heartbreak is in the hate. You need to find your vulnerability, but you need to realize that all of your reactions hurt YOU.

You have different parts of you: the child, the teenager, the woman, the critic, the seducer, the manipulator. These are all pattern and defenses so that you don’t feel and change. If you are negative, then you are hurting. All of this is a defense against what you feel and need. Think about what I am saying. Go into your body and let yourself cry and feel your heart. Judgment is never the way, even towards your critic. It seems odd, but the critic in ways is protecting you from getting close to others. It keeps everything and everyone away. You don’t need to criticize in order to create healthy boundaries and expression that nurture your well-being.

Client Journal: Talking to the Victim

Client: I’ve been talking to her (my victim) and I am confused sometimes I think she is talking back to me but i’m not sure if it is her or it’s me. Should I be asking her questions? I have been asking her how was your day? What do you need from me? How are you feeling? How can I help you? I’m just wondering what else should I say to her?

For Example: Yesterday I felt very sad and I felt victimized b/c my car got broken into and I feel like it is my fault b/c I left some things out in plain sight. This is how i started my day. Then I had all this sadness and anxiety about leaving my neighborhood. I hate the fact that I always have to watch out for my car but I love my neighborhood for everything it has to offer. I hate my job b/c it does not feed me but I love it for so many other reasons. All day I felt myself screaming to myself ” GET ME OUT OF HERE!” Is that her speaking or is it me? She/me wants out of the life that I am living but she/me is excited because i feel like good things are on the horizon, I am all over the place. What do i do with that? I felt tired, shitty, I was pouting all day… i was like a big baby most of the day… is that her?

That is what I wrote in my journal I have been journaling after i speak with her to see if that helps. when I have been speaking to her she told me two things ( or maybe it’s not her and just me) but I think she said:

1. be nice to me.
2. pay attention to me… she wants my time and attention. She wants me to get to know her unlike the way my father never got to know her/me

Marta: Your victim is you. She is the wounded child in you. If you are you at a loss for words than you are in a collapse and not in touch emotionally with her SPECIFIC needs. An adult responds to what is being said and felt by the child…You need to feel her…and listen to her…tired, shitty, pouting; this is the victim child; paying attention to what she needs will help you know her. “Get me out of here” is victim. If someone is talking to you what do you respond. If you collapse than you are in child again, if you attack you are in the victim/victimizer behavior and pattern. Good things will happen if you listen to her. If she wants you out of the life that you are living and you are living in a dangerous neighborhood…what life does she want you to live and where? Asking general questions are not a connection to her…Ask her questions based on what she is feeling and saying…Most of you, right now, is emotionally a victim. The adult listens to her because she is going to tell your adult what her dreams and needs are through her complaints, fears and blame. You need to find your adult in your hips, belly and feet. An adult takes action, doesn’t keep stuck in the same old same old. Then the adult follows through to help her obtain what she wants. Being nice to her and paying attention to her is general advice. You need to go into your body and feel what she needs very specifically. I repeat SPECIFIC, because it is very intricate to know your victim intimately. If you want to know her better than your father…you need to be very very specific…for example: she wants to draw, she wants to work with children, she wants to walk along the ocean…she wants to climb mountains, she needs rest, she needs to read a book, she needs to live in a safe neighborhood, she wants a better paying job.. what does she want…how does she want to live? Once you know you have to take very practical, deliberate steps to get it for her.. this takes commitment and intention and follow through. Also, at this stage of the process you are sectioning out the child and finding your adult. The victim child leaks into the adult when you are not feeling what part of your body she is living in. The child is the upper body, the adult is the lower. Unless you can her take out of your adult, you can’t find your adult. This is the emotional energy work of coming into the body. Take a moment. Breathe, feel inside every organ, every cell, every muscle. Where does the child live? Where is her tension, her needs her feelings.Then find an adult in you. The adult is the one who follows through on getting the child what she wants. There are other sub-personalities that we will need to locate, like the critical mother and the judge as you spoke of. But first we need to find the child and adult.

Client Journal: Victim Child

Client: Lately I have been in my victim big time…Everyday for the past couple of days I feel like life is taking a shit on me. I have some things going on with my family that are making me really sad and I was in a very hopeless place for awhile…I wanted to ask you a question…I feel like I have been with and in my victim…I have not been pushing her away…I have been talking to her…I’m trying to listen to her more often and figure out what she wants. I am giving room to be sad. Right now she feel like the world is unfair and she is urt by that. Every day I let her cry. Even if it’s at work. I take a minute to let her cry.

I know I need to embrace my unhappiness but how do I go from there, b/c I know for sure I’m not trying to escape my sadness…I feel like I’m fully immersed in sadness and feeling sorry for myself.

In regards to the book, *(Shadow Side of Intimate Relationships by Doug and Naomi Moseley www.intimacytraining.com)

Chapter 1
Pg 5
They give the example of the a woman who wants to be in a relationship but who doesn’t acknowledge the part of her who doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I see myself in this woman. I have neglected that part of me and it has resulted in me being alone.

Chapter 2
pg 14 – 15
They talk about people who refuse to acknowledge their darker parts and how they cannot live up to their full potential and will not be able to function well in a relationship.  They also talk about the fear in showing one’s shadow side.  I know I am not living up to my full potential and I also don’t want to acknowledge  my darker parts….There are parts of myself that hurt me to look at. I hate the parts of me that are abusive, that are willing to take abuse, that are crazy, mean, obsessive, & untrustworthy. Especially the things I have done in my past. I am afraid of getting into an intimate relationship and having my partner see these sides of me. I’m afraid of that person being disgusted by me and they won’t love me anymore…I want my partner to only see me as sweet loving, happy, positive, fun, loving, worthy of love, funny and smart…I want them to think that they do not deserve me….in order to have that I have to play up those sides of me and ignore the other.

pg 18
They describe a relationship with the good girl….That is soooo me w/my first boyfriend (I was 19) I was critical and mean because I would not fully express my anger with him until we would break up over and over again. Also they mention being angry, doing very little to initiate sex and then closing up emotionally….that is me at the end of every relationship I have ever been in.

pg 20
What would happen if I acted out my darker side…I would fear being dumped and rejected in the most hurtful way possible.

pg 22
Watching for characteristics in others that elicit strong reactions from me….I have strong reactions to my mother’s characteristics and some of those are the very things I hate about myself. I am the first to point out other people’s flaws…I do this b/c I do not want to look at my own.

The more I push away, deny and hide the worse I make it for myself. I have always wanted to be loved for me…I have always wanted someone to love me for all that I am but how could I have expected that when I never let anyone see or experience all of me in a healthy way.

Marta: Being in the victim doesn’t mean collapsing in her…it is taking care of her…nurturing her, allowing her to express and receive…the victim child always needs recognition and love from you, but she needs to express, set boundaries and ask for what she needs or find a way to get her needs taken care of and accepted for being sad…it takes time to move through the victim.. you have to have patience.  but how are you taking care of her besides feeling sorry for her and yourself…there has to be action taken..

Client Journal: Victim/Victimizer

Through the years I have saved certain things you have sent me that I thought were important or that I had
learned a great lesson from…

Below is something you sent me, Dec 2006. I read it again yesterday, and this time I was able receive it on a
much deeper level, back then I don’t think I was capable of receiving the real meaning of this and the impact it has
had on my life.

December 2006:

she is;

the victim child

wants revenge

is cold


never lets go of anything

object is to get everyone to see it her way

is in control and power issues (tantrums)
doesn’t follow through

abandons herself

These qualities are universal and most do not believe they are victim/victimizers because they are so lost in the blame. Difficult to look at it. As children we are victims, but as adults the victim child becomes the judge, the criticizer, the blamer, the manipulator, the hater. The only way to evoke change of this pattern is to get one to feel the victim; is she sad, hurt, angry, and grieving? This work is more for individuals who have somewhat of an adult who is willing to explore their victim without blaming and accusing others of hurting them or angering them. That is all victim to attack and externalize experiences. Expressing the hurt is healthy, but then you need to dig in and realize no one can truly hurt you when you are contained and whole from within. Whatever anyone does is always about themselves … it is never about anyone else. It takes time to master this patterning. It is cellular and comfortable to stay young.  Harder to grow up, make choices to feel and express needs and create boundaries.

I just want to say to you, I now understand fully how my victim/victimizer pattern works at sabotaging my
happiness and how deeply rooted this pattern is for me.

I also understand and see clearly how quickly I collapse, go into fantasy and abandon myself.

I feel sad about this pattern and see the consequences and impact it has had on many facets of my life.

I also feel excited and hopeful. For reasons I can not explain, out of the many emails I could had opened .. 1 chose
to open this and I really had a huge “Aha” moment. I am happy I can try to truly accept this behavior and stay
vigilant and more aware of this pattern.

I feel blessed for all I have learned from you and I want you to know that you have helped me to see and grow in
so many ways. I have only the deepest of gratitude for our work together.

I am very sorry for anything I said. I was unhealthy and collapsed. I didn’t have the fortitude in that moment to go inside and use some of the tools. I can use the change of meds and the quitting smoking and whatever else as an
excuse .. but when I truly dig in .. 1 now know that this behavior is not acceptable and I need to truly ground myself
and find the adult in me .. the part of me that wants to change, grow and survive.