Client Journal: Resistance – Internalized Critical Father

Client: The resistance feels like this weight in my solar plexus. Ever since I left our last appointment I have some type of resistance to therapy…I just figured it was something that would pass and I was having some sensitive reaction that I had to ride through..there were quite a few thoughts I had after our last appointment mostly head stuff…I went through a whole process…

It felt a bit roughed up by you…you poked and pried and made me squirm a bit lol…I really hadn’t had an appointment with you in awhile before that and I forgot all the intensity that comes for me after our sessions….I really process a lot after our appointments…maybe its strange but usually after our appointments I take in everything very deeply after I guess more then during…I guess it’s just the way I process things…not sure if that makes’s as if things during the appointment are hitting me all at once and it’s too stimulating and I am all jammed up and I don’t know what I am feeling and I freeze…and then I ease up after and it all slowly sinks in and takes me on a ride….

I started  questioning myself as to what I was doing in therapy etc…you had told me to find my “No”…..
I kept thinking where is my NO….and then I would want to go into some type of behavior or fantasy or addiction….
and I would just simply think NO…I’m not doing shit…which leads me to believe my NO is in my head…I guess you already knew that and the more I sit with it, it’s common sense but It was like this whole process…not sure if that made sense…ha

Something really hit me about myself…….
I was at my fathers house watching Woodstock with him. He was all into it. It was cute he had the high def version of the real Woodstock footage and concerts etc. and he went to Woodstock so it was just this whole experience I was having with him…
And he was blasting the television surround sound style like a movie theater…his wife was cranky and wasn’t thrilled to hear the house vibrating even though it was Joe Cocker and amazing artists…she was a bit whiny but she asked nicely if he could turn down the volume and he said something really mean to her…not sure exactly what it was but it was like WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE…I was shocked. She said to me you know nobody has ever spoken to me the way your father does…I didn’t know what to say..I said to her I wouldn’t take it personally he has a way of saying things to everyone.
She then went on to say that he is so kind in so many ways but then he lashes out and says these horrible things when he is angry or frustrated like he will say what are you a fucking moron? or just really horrible things…and I totally understood because hes done that to me my whole life…

He was zoning out and not paying much attention and I said, Dad please go apologize to her…what you said was not nice and  you shouldn’t curse at her …you should say things nicer….he said ‘What’, I turned it down and he just continued watching and I said Dad don’t you know it has nothing to do with that, it’s what you said…and he just ignored me…
eventually she came back in and he started holding her hand and kissing her on the cheek and saying something and she basically said it’s not Ok anymore the way you talk and he ok’d her to death and that was that…..
but it made me remember why my mom left him. He blames it on his mother because she was abusive…but how long can you blame your parents?
It hit me I was thinking, Wow I love my Dad and enjoyed what we had and at the same time I didn’t like him and I saw myself in him…I can be that mean…I have said things just like that to women. I lash out in anger at people…I am him. It freaked me out. D used to joke around and say I was like some type of a chauvinistic guy or a Taliban man or something…..but it isn’t funny……
Ok I just went off on some tangent…..What the fuck am I trying to say…? I feel resistance because I hate seeing my shadow side…I hate feeling weak with you…I go into fantasy still a bit after…which I don’t feel like getting into.

I think I am on track and doing well and then this wall goes up and it’s like I have to keep tearing it down..its tiring

Marta:The resistance makes sense…no one wants to feel or look at their shadow side…it is very uncomfortable and ego-unenhancing….your story about your father is a good metaphor for the shadow side in you…

I’d like you to re-read what you wrote to me…it holds a lot of work…and emotions…study your shadow side through your dad’s reflection…

it would be a shift if you could come to session prepared to delve into your control and abuse…(victimizer side) of the child..However. To know, feel and understand your shadow side is freeing and leads to self knowledge and consciousness. Once we can feel what we are hiding behind the shadow we can choose to shift and learn…let it be our hero-heroine in our life’s journey…..What strength is in the control…what is the need in the control…What do you learn about others and yourself?

I am glad though you have a stronger draw to continue with your hearts journey.

Client Journal: Victim/Victimizer

Through the years I have saved certain things you have sent me that I thought were important or that I had
learned a great lesson from…

Below is something you sent me, Dec 2006. I read it again yesterday, and this time I was able receive it on a
much deeper level, back then I don’t think I was capable of receiving the real meaning of this and the impact it has
had on my life.

December 2006:

she is;

the victim child

wants revenge

is cold


never lets go of anything

object is to get everyone to see it her way

is in control and power issues (tantrums)
doesn’t follow through

abandons herself

These qualities are universal and most do not believe they are victim/victimizers because they are so lost in the blame. Difficult to look at it. As children we are victims, but as adults the victim child becomes the judge, the criticizer, the blamer, the manipulator, the hater. The only way to evoke change of this pattern is to get one to feel the victim; is she sad, hurt, angry, and grieving? This work is more for individuals who have somewhat of an adult who is willing to explore their victim without blaming and accusing others of hurting them or angering them. That is all victim to attack and externalize experiences. Expressing the hurt is healthy, but then you need to dig in and realize no one can truly hurt you when you are contained and whole from within. Whatever anyone does is always about themselves … it is never about anyone else. It takes time to master this patterning. It is cellular and comfortable to stay young.  Harder to grow up, make choices to feel and express needs and create boundaries.

I just want to say to you, I now understand fully how my victim/victimizer pattern works at sabotaging my
happiness and how deeply rooted this pattern is for me.

I also understand and see clearly how quickly I collapse, go into fantasy and abandon myself.

I feel sad about this pattern and see the consequences and impact it has had on many facets of my life.

I also feel excited and hopeful. For reasons I can not explain, out of the many emails I could had opened .. 1 chose
to open this and I really had a huge “Aha” moment. I am happy I can try to truly accept this behavior and stay
vigilant and more aware of this pattern.

I feel blessed for all I have learned from you and I want you to know that you have helped me to see and grow in
so many ways. I have only the deepest of gratitude for our work together.

I am very sorry for anything I said. I was unhealthy and collapsed. I didn’t have the fortitude in that moment to go inside and use some of the tools. I can use the change of meds and the quitting smoking and whatever else as an
excuse .. but when I truly dig in .. 1 now know that this behavior is not acceptable and I need to truly ground myself
and find the adult in me .. the part of me that wants to change, grow and survive.