Client Journal: What Does Saving Someone Mean For Me?

Client: What does saving someone mean for me? It means redemption, validation, acceptance, an end to denial, a sense of self and safety. I only feel good when I am sacrificing something of myself, or on my behalf, to save someone else and that people are watching me do it. It’s a high. That’s when I feel I exist, when I feel proud or best about myself. How much blood can I pour out to save someone else? How many bullets do I have to take to save someone? How much pain do I have to endure to save someone else? I’m guessing, the more the better. Every fantasy I have involves almost killing myself in order to save someone else – usually a guy. And if I can save them, they can look at me and know that I exist, that I deserve respect, that I’m made of stronger stuff, and they can love me back. And then I can love myself.

Marta: Right here is the pattern: This is how deep your wound is with your father and mother. This is how much you need this to be healed. Write more about this. Find the little girl who is so empty that she would die to get love. Find the adult who is now saying I love and I won’t leave you. Get the little girl to hear the adult in you, the one who is finding her feet and wanting healthy love.

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