You’re So Beautiful

A couple days ago I had a beautiful moment with S. We were at his apartment after our date. He was catching me up on his trip to Spain, and I was telling him about surfing out on Long Island. Mid-story he started staring at me and says, “You are really beautiful. Do you just walk around naked and stare at yourself all day?” I felt a little anxious and I said, “No, I actually have body insecurity issues.” He asked, “What do you mean?” I didn’t want to be evasive and I didn’t want to lie or shut down. So I told him my story about what happened to me with the molestations and how I was a very unhappy teenager with an eating disorder. When he asked me how the molestations stopped, I told him how when I told my mom, she didn’t believe me, and how I lied just because her approval meant everything to me.

I got teary when I was telling him this and I felt scared. I told him that I was scared to reveal this to him, because I was scared it would be a deal-breaker. He asked me what I needed, I said “I really need you to hold me right now.” He hugged me and he said “That makes me feel really sad and angry to hear that. There is no reason to do that to a child. I’m sad that someone took your innocence. I feel sad that someone took advantage of your beauty and I feel angry that someone disrespected your body. I think you are really strong and amazing for getting help and coming through the other side. If I ever look at you or touch you in a way that is uncomfortable, please let me know.”

I said, “Thank you for saying that, it helps me to trust you and I feel warm”. Then he just held me for a while. The next day he sent me a text message saying, “I just wanted to see how you are feeling, thank you for being open and sharing your story with me. You’re wonderful.” I told him that getting that text made me smile, and I appreciated him receiving me so well.

It was a beautiful moment for me. I feel warm and validated, and I also feel like it is possible for me to find a man who won’t automatically reject these parts of me, which helps me in changing the “I’m unlovable” belief.

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