Last night I had an interesting dream. I saw three versions of myself: Me as a little girl of about 9 years old, me as a young pregnant woman, and me as an adult in the mid/late thirties. In the dream, it was dark. Little Me and Pregnant Me were very confused and very frightened. Pregnant Me was running around feeling very anxious, scared and stressed about the upcoming birth of the baby. I think Pregnant Me was 9 months pregnant, due any day now. Little Me was extremely scared and lonely. Only Adult Me was calm. Little Me ran up to Adult Me and said,”I don’t want to be here anymore. Can we leave? I don’t want to stay here anymore.” And Adult Me said, “Sure, of course we can leave. Don’t worry, you don’t have to stay and suffer for me anymore.” Then I woke up.

I had a dream the other night that I have been dreaming on and off for the past year/year and a half. I was standing by the ocean watching the waves. It was either dusk or dawn. The water was a nice clear blue, the sand was white and the water looked warm. Usually when I have this dream, I am scared to go into the ocean because the waves look so big that I’m scared I might drown or get swept out to sea. Then I usually end up feeling sad because I want to surf those waves and then I criticize myself for being scared of something I love.

Last night’s dream was a little different in that I actually jumped in the water and did some body surfing in some of the waves. But as soon as the waves got bigger, I was scared to get back in the ocean again. I felt sad, disappointed and determined. Determined because I wanted to find a way to face my fear and get in the ocean with those huge waves. Then I woke up.

I have been resisting going deeper. I’m feeling scared because I don’t know if I will get lost in my own darkness or if I will make it through to the other side. I need a lot of help, because I don’t know how.

The Dream Part 1
I was doing a lot of thinking about myself and my process today after we spoke. Last night, I had a dream that a crazy looking woman came into my apartment with a crying baby and a bunch of knives. She put down the baby and started throwing knives at me. I ran away from her at first, I wanted to get away from her. I was really scared and I did not want to face her. But then, I just got tired of running away from this woman. Somehow I got hold of a sword and I made up my mind that I just had to face this woman to fight her. I remember feeling really determined to kick her ass, and I remember feeling scared because I wasn’t sure how it was going to end up, if I would end up getting killed or hurt. Somehow, I managed to win the fight and the woman disappeared. But I woke up completely freaked out and scared. I think the crying baby represents my need to take of myself, and nurture myself more. When I shut down, aside from not feeling or expressing my emotions, I’m not nurturing myself. I think the crazy woman represents my shadow side. I realize now, that I am really really scared of my shadow side. Now I am at the point in working with you that I have to face my shadow side. That is why I shut down this week. I’m scared because my shadow side is angry, rageful, dark and sad and I’m scared that when I really start to work with this part of me, it will consume me. I’m scared that the shadow side is closer to the true me than happy healthy person I working towards being. Maybe…. well right now my shadow side is closer to the true me…Then I get into my judgments a little bit and start thinking,” Oh no, you shouldn’t feel that way, that’s not true…” But right now that is my truth. I have a lot of sadness, rage and anger inside me and I know I haven’t gotten into the belly of it yet, but this image of the crazy woman with knives scares the shit out of me.On the plus side, in my dream I somehow found the courage to do it, and the woman disappeared. In the dream after I defeated her, I felt empowered. Now I have to mirror this in my waking life It’s already starting, because I ran away. But shutting down I emotionally ran away from myself and I stopped nurturing myself. It scares me, but I need to face and work with my shadow side. At this point, I feel like that is what I need to do for healing.

Exploration:
It is not an either/or…your shadow side is the aspect of yourself that needs healing…needs expression and to be received…the crying baby needs to be seen and heard, saved, maybe?  The woman with the knives…write about her…who is she…what does she need and want…let’s start there…

The Dream Part 2
The woman with the knives entered my apartment with a sense of desperation. She looked extremely sad, angry, she didn’t talk or say anything in particular. She just screamed. She was dirty, unkempt and was wearing baggy clothes. She had red hair that kind of resembled fire. She also seemed very alone, very scared. I think she feels lonely. Because when she ran in the room, everyone ran away from her, which was when she started throwing knives. I think she needs and wants someone to listen to her, someone to talk to, a need to express herself. A validation of her existence maybe? I think she needs and wants love, affection and attention. I know in tarot spreads, swords represent communication, maybe I need to talk to her, get in touch with her? When I got up close to her, she had a very frightened expression, very sorrowful and just full of pain. I think she needs genuine warmth and affection. The main thing that sticks out about he is that she just needs love. Love for herself and love from others. The more I am thinking about it, I think maybe the baggy clothes has to deal with her hiding herself, her femininity more specifically. I think she need to connect with her femininity, her sensual side, her sexual side. But in a genuine self accepting and appreciative way, not just in a slap on a tank top and a skirt kind of way. As I am reading this over, I think this woman and I are the same person. This woman is me. I feel sad about this. I feel sad that there is a part of me that is in so much suffering and pain.

Exploration:
Keep exploring this part of you…give her a name…This is the emotionally malnourished part of you…explore the baby.. the knives…this is a powerful dream…a lot of archetypes in it….parts of yourself that are hidden. It is very powerful that you realize that she is here to teach you, awaken you, not harm you. you harm her when you don’t pay attention to her.  Good work…write me more about the parts of yourself this dream??.

The Dream Part 3
I saw her face again when I was taking yoga over the weekend. It was during the last part, during the savasana, I saw her face and she said she was Diovanni. I have no idea where that name even came from and as far as I know of, it doesn’t hold any real life significance or reference to me. When I saw her face, I felt really sad. During the weekend I have been feeling pretty sad and in pain. I feel it the most in belly, right above my navel around the hipbones. When I think about the baby, I really want to shut down. When I breathe into it, tears come to my eyes. I think maybe because in my dream the baby was completely abandoned by Diovanni, in a way that was almost as if she threw him away. She just put him down on a pile of blankets and clothes and just left him there crying. He feels so alone, helpless and frightened. As an adult, I feel that way right before I feel myself shut down. I get anxious because there is an emotion I don’t want to feel. In this case sadness. Then, I start to feel scared because I don’t always exactly know off hand why I feel scared, which then leaves me feeling helpless. Then I shut down so I don’t have to drop into my body and feel the sadness anymore. When I was a child, I felt that way in W basement when he was molesting me. I would feel really scared because I didn’t know exactly what was happening and why, helpless because I was too scared to stop it and alone because I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. Right now even typing this has me feeling a deep grief. I need to stop to cry.