Poem: Either/Or by Sonam Hajela

Either you will
go through this door
or you will not go through

If you go through
there is always the risk
of remembering your name

Either I will awake
one day
to see my face and know
thine eyes
Either my fingers will buzz with the electric
Feel of my creations
Either I will behold the planes of my face with
Absolution
Either I will sink into my skin
And finally
Finally
See a true version of what was intended
In grace
In beauty

This I will know
“Gifted, fortunate one”
my name
will know
in truth
what it was meant to be

Or I will die
before I die
And know not what will be
All beauty lost on
Doubt
Fear
And paths uncharted
My luck shriveling up
Counting its dimming stars
And half lived moons

Poem: Shadow Mother by Evelyn Park

Shadow mother
is what you are
a shadow of a woman, a sliver, a slice, a crumb
tip-toeing around me
a whimpering dance to keep from awakening the lioness within
yet you throw a steak at the mouth of my cave
every time we speak
you don’t know what to do
you don’t know what to say
you dust confectioner’s sugar on a dry carcass
in hopes that I will bite
in the past, I ate it up
in the past, I was ravenous
but you are my mirror
my soul in a corset of rage
because when I look at you
all i see is what I’ve become
the same silence
the same slow death
yes, I have left claw marks in your womb
but I am crowning now
I am gasping for air
I will break this mirror
and carry a shard in my heart always
so I never forget

Poem – Promises by Sonam Hajela

In the past we made a pact with the darkness; now our task is to interpret the light.
I made promises to the walls at night, shadows bearing witness
My lips chanting
My heart went thud, thud, thud
If only I knew who I was praying to
Who was listening
I might have poured my blood
To keep myself from going
Unheard
But the promises were made, lost
And reneged.
Now, a broken mirror reflects my state
And I gash inside to know I have
Turned away
From all things I knew without
A hitch in my breath
My blood knew
The marrow in my bones knew
But now I stand in day
The shadows lurking
“who will know,” I thought.
Oh, you sorry fool.

To think you can hide your soul
And deem it lost, unseen.
The stars knew what flew from my lips
My breath gasping in broken anger
Shunted sadness
To swallow down or to scream out,
If only Hamlet knew the truth of the
Human condition.
The sun, stars and moon look down
And smile sadly,
watching us erupt
Watching our follies
Thinking we can hide the truth
but they chase us across the continents,
across oceans,
never leaving, knowing
we can’t escape
ourselves.

Client Poem: Let Go

To let go does not mean to stop caring
it means I can’t do it for someone else
To let go is not to cut myself off
it’s the realization I can’t control another
To let go is not to enable
but to allow learning from natural consequences
To let go is to admit powerlessness
which means the outcome is not in my hands
To let go is not to change or blame another
its to make the most of myself
To let go is not to care for, but to care about
To let is not to fix, but to be supportive
To let go is not to judge
but to allow another to be a human being
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the
outcomes, but to allow others to affect their desires
To let go is not to be protective
it’s to permit another to face reality
To let go is not to deny, but to accept
To let go is to be fear less and love more

Are You Hungry? By Taiice Davis

Where have I gone?
Was I eaten by my new girlfriend or boyfriend?
They are always hungry
And I am surely a bountiful feast
But they always chew me up and spit me out
I eventually put myself back together again
But then, I’m gone, again
Who is it this time?
The hard worker
The family man
The charmer
The money maker
The seducer
They are all different, but all hungry the same
Only two people who are full can be friends;
Or else the hungry one will eat the full one†
And I am a bountiful feast
But, for once, I will be stingy
And not share my provisions
I will feed on my own feast
And keep myself full

†”The Icarus Girl “ by Helen Oyeyemi

The Tortoise – By Lara Luzim

I feel like I’ve been running away from my past for too long
like sprinting from a bullet fresh out the trigger with my finger on the target
pushing forward into the sunset of my spotless mind
I keep trying to rewind time and recall the things I can’t remember
its just one or two memories I’ve convinced myself
no big deal…the question I answered knowingly
an agreement I made with lowered eyes full of shame and embarrassment
I took it on…the family secrets that molested my body and broke my heart
the gun is smoking and I’m choking from the long distance I’ve been running trying to endure and forget just to feel clean
there is a lump forming in my throat fighting to become my battle scream
like a phoenix rising from my perenium giving my soul a voice that has been silent for too long
I double take to catch my breath…in and out
I feel the pressure rise and fall
piercing my chest until I feel my unrest begin to freeze
I am paralyzed by the fear of not knowing if there is more to remember and allowing everyone else to forget that it ever happened
my body ravaged by all the amnesia…I’m standing still…
my feet barely able to move
how do I begin to forgive my past
how do I stop hiding from my truth
how do I integrate the fragments I’ve left behind
and give these pieces a home to feel safe in as I take in the scenery and notice the sunrise inside of me
rays of light sewing the punctured arteries back together
letting the blood flow…warming me…
I watch the bullet pass unable to out-fly its speed
feeling the buzz of its hum rushing by my ears
I hear it whisper
life is meant to be savored
enjoy the flavor
like a fairy without her wings
walking softly between the sky and the earth
I transform into the tortoise
slowly putting one foot in front of the other
carrying my home sweet home on my back
I feel weightless knowing all of me is right where is should be
I start to run this race for myself
no one else to keep up pace
giving myself forgiveness for my quickness is taking grace that I haven’t quite mastered
but I will not sequester its desire to tame me into my present self
I am beautiful
I am strong
I am worthy of this kind of wealth
and so are you…if you choose
to become the tortoise with me
we can shed the hare from our bodies and be naked with all our secrets to share
do you dare
become the champion of your own race
your own bullet that breaks the barriers of sound
so that every voice that was ever lost will be forever found

Poem: The Heart Calls Forth – by Sonam Hajela

Even a tiny piece of heart calls forth a cry so profound
My ears ring with it
I don’t feel love anymore
Looking toward a home
Lost
The heart cries for something it no longer
Remembers; the shine rubbed off
You lied with love on your lips
And my heart knew the truth
The cowardice in your chest; in your
Frozen fingertips
You never did know how to
Walk the paths your gilded words chose
But in those lost moments
My heart broke, bled a river so deep
It cleaved to never be the same
But now, with the glitter no longer
In my eyes
But on the mud-drenched floor,
I can tell you this
My heart is worth more
than your shoddy words
Your confused sentences
Tripping, falling, trying to mend
But what care of a road,
when the city itself is deserted?
My heart is a wild beast
And it needs not taming
Nor pathetic excuses
Just a resolve
And someone just as wild
Standing by me
Running the paths
Our hearts chose.

Client Journal: Meditation

Fire

Coiling in the base like rattlesnakes
I feel them writhe lashing tails
Against the walls of my stomach
Battle cry sounding off
Anger that which was hidden for so long
Finally taking center
Lifting through veils I see

I am mad as hell and I hate my father
Because he doesn’t give a shit about me

Client Journal: The Shadow Terror between a Mother and Daughter

Today I killed my mother. Finally.
It was a long time coming.
The greedy bitch with her grieving soulless eyes
sucking, mutilating all the warmth in the world
tainting it with her stinking words

I took back the world
from her bleeding hands, the ones that
stole the laughter out of my mouth and heart
the smiles, clawed from my face
and left bruises and scars.

I took back the night.
All the hair she ripped out
the flesh giving way to her jarring slaps
and bruises…
I finally gave her her the biggest bruise of all.
Death.

And I don’t even feel bad about it.
How can I hate her this much when my life used to revolve
around her?

Her corpse saddens me.
Her body saddens me
Her eyes scare me. They’re
hollow, no love left behind.
Coldness abound.
Her mouth tight, no softness there.

How was I smaller than her at one time?
She seems so big in my mind. Her presence
a tornado.
Yet she’s so small.

I’m scared of her.
Her hands scare me They bruise.

When I choke her, I see the young girl’s
sad eyes and
finally, finally
I can do something
worth that pain
worth that sadness.

Either – Poem by Sonam Hajela

“Either you will
go through this door
or you will not go through.

If you go through
there is always the risk
of remembering your name.”

Either I will awake
one day
to see my face and know
thine eyes
Either my fingers will buzz with the electric
Feel of my creations
Either I will behold the planes of my face with
Absolution
Either I will sink into my skin
And finally
Finally
See a true version of what was intended
In grace
In beauty

This I will know
“Gifted, fortunate one”
my name
will know
in truth
what it was meant to be

Or I will die
before I die
And know not what will be
All beauty lost on
Doubt
Fear
And paths uncharted
My luck shriveling up
Counting its dimming stars
And half lived moons.